If I Catch Ye I'll Eat Ye.

                                       Tarlair at Macduff Banffshire.

 The photo is Tarlair Wall Hoosie beside Macduff and is the same place Johnny Gibb o Gushetneuk visited tae partake o the waters. My story is set a fair while afore that time and is written in the Banffshire Doric.
The wee hoosie tae the richt o the photo is the 'Water Wall' o Tarlair. Fowk wid come tae partake o its health giving waters. The posh fowk caad it 'chaleybeat spring' but the locals caad it 'The Ironeerie wally' In taste it hid a zing tae it and it wiz this folk thocht gave it a health benefit. At the far richt o the wee bey jist far it bends wiz the scaups far the fisher fowk stored their mussels for bait in the rock pools tae keep them fresh.


If I Catch Ye I'll Eat Ye.

Written in the Doric of North East Scotland.


Afore nicht the fisher quines wid make their wye tae the scaups tae get mussels for the next day's line fishin. A puckle o them were bent on this and made their wye doon the wee track fae higher up. As they reached the wee Wall Hoosie o a sudden they heard a ghostly voice comin fae inside it 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' Noo the quines teen flegg at this an set up an affa skirlin as they ran back up the cliff road back towards the toon. The creels for their bait thrown tae the fower weens. In an affa sotter o swyte an fear they ran towards Wully Wazzie's hoose.
Wully wiz employed by the parish as a kind o constable faa keepit the peace.
Jist as they reached his door Wully wiz makin tae leave for his nightly visit tae the Ale Hoose faar he spent the shillin a day he got peyed for bein the constable.
He got the quines tae calm doon enough tae tell him fit wiz wrang. On hearin their story he squaared his shooders like he thocht constables did and teen control o the situation. Noo Wully hid stood in the line at Waterloo wi the Gordons and mair by luck than onything else hid survived the butcher's shop o slaachter. He thocht tae himsel he'd better ging an pit on his uniform if he wiz gyan tae face the Devil again, he'd deen it eence at Waterloo so he could surely dee it again at Tarlair. But the quines set up sic a noise fin he made tae get his uniform so instead he put on the hat and picked up his musket & shot. He nearly forgot the gunpooder horn in aa the hash but he mind aboot it. Sic a feel he'd hae looked if he made his wye tae Tarlair athoot pooder. Slingin his musket Wully Wazzie set fit like a sojer towards Tarlair. He tellt the quines tae gang hame because this wisna work for weemin fowk. The quines peyed nae heed tae Wully and fell in line ahin him and tried tae march like sojers. Truth be tellt Wully wiz glaid o the company so he didna say onything.
   At last they reached the Wall Hoosie and crouched doon ahin the wee drysteen dyke and waited. Sure enough the ghostly voice sounded eence mair 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' Wully felt his knees turn tae water at this and the quines cooried doon ahin his back whimperin wi the fear. The lassies started puttin him on the back 'Go on then deet!' Wully turned roon 'Dee fit?'
The quines said in ae voice 'Sheet it !!'
   Wully swallied his spittle at this and cannily got tae his feet. He unslung his musket and fummled aboot for his pooderhorn. He could see the door o the Wall Hoosie but couldna see inside, it wiz jist black. The eerie voice sounded again and he shook gunpooder awye. Settlin doon a bittie he eventually got some charge doon the barrel and teen the ramrod and tamped it doon. As he made tae pit in the ball een o the quines said 'Fit are ye deein Wully?'
'I'm pitten in the bullet quine!'
At this the lassie said 'That's nae eese Wully ye winna kill a ghost wi a bullet ye'll need leven siller min!'
Wully pulled a face 'EH?' 'Fit's leven siller?'
The quine shook her heed at this 'Leven siller is siller that's been beaten!' That jist didna mak sense tae him ava. The lassie pit oot her hand 'Gimmet?'
'Gie ye fit lassie?'
'Yer pey that ye were on yer wye tae spend at the Ale Hoose. Reluctantly Wully handed ower the four silver thrupennies that made up that day's wages. The quine teen them and picked up a steen fae the dyke and bashed the coins intae the shape o a musket baa. Fin she feenished as the ghostly voice sounded eence mair 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' Wully grabbed the leven siller shot and rammed it hame shook pooder intae the pan and closed the cover and pulled back the airm o the flint lock and set it at half cock. Squaarin his shooders Wull faced the enemy jist as he did aa the years afore at Waterloo. He wyted a minty or twa till his breathin became slower and raised the musket tae his shooder and set the flint airm tae full cock. Jist as he pulled the trigger the lassie aside him tripped in the excitement. She hut the musket barrel in the air jist as the flint sparked in the pan, there wiz a big flash and the musket discharged and fired Wully's day's pey ower intae Loch Craig. Wully screamed like a wee lassie as the gunpooder flame blew back intae his face the musket wint ae wye and Wully the ither. Wi hands ower his face Wully rolled aboot the grun shoutin 'Ma bliddy een hiv been blawed clear oot o ma heed!!' The lassie's tried tae get his hanns awa fae his face but he widna let them dee that and jist shouted 'They're my een let ma be!'
Aifter mair priggin he let them see his een and tae abody's relief it wiz only the eebroos and eyelashes that were gone. Een o the lassies patted him on the shooder 'Dinna worry aboot it Wully they'll seen growe back an ye'll be as gweed lookin as ivver!'
Even wi aa the noise the ghostly voice wiz still sayin 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!' The fisher quines took maitters intae their ain hands and wint intae the Wall Hoosie an found wee Sanners MacKeerin in one corner a finger up his nose howkin for snotters sayin 'If I catch ye I'll eat ye!'
Sanners got a richt skelpit erse fae his mither for aa the cairryon he'd started then he got anither skelpit erse for pickin his nose and tellt if he kept deein that he'd end up wi ae nostril the size o an egg cup.
The fisher quines got their bait an wun hame w't chatterin aa the while aboot their adventure.
Wully meanwhile hid wint back hame feelin gye dejected an hingin luggit. Nae only hid he lost his eebroos and lashes an mair than a wee bit o self esteem but the thocht that his ale siller wiz at that very moment somewye in the middle o Loch Craig wiz hard tae tak.
Aifter a while though a chap came tae his door. The fisher quines were there wi a big handfae o coins they'd collected atween themsels tae thank him for bein so brave.

copyright © Sanners Gow

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The Diary o' a Feel at the skweel ( Duncin)

 

 

 

The Diary o a Feel at the Skweel (Duncin)

The lead up tae Chresmess at the skweel wiz a nechtmare for me. Fae aboot the middle o November onwards ilka PT day we got duncin lessons tae get us ready for the Chresmess party. 

  Afore I begin ma story I’ll gie ye a wee guide tae the layoot o the skweel in the photae. At the very center o the skweel wiz a huge hall and aa the classrooms were located at the side maist o the wye roon ahin big aal farrent doors. Nae glaiss in them jist huge doors wi a fanlicht abeen.. The hall itsel hid bonny parquet fleerin an there wiz fite lines aa the wye roon showin ye faar ye could walk fan gan tae yer classes. The center wiz the ‘Holy o Holies’ an if ye were eedjit enough tae walk there or rin across it tae get tae yer class that wiz a beltable offense. The only time we were alloed tae walk there wiz durin PT or skweel assembly. On enterin the hall ye’d tae walk in a clockwyes direction tae reach yer classroom keepin tae the recht side o the fite line. It wiz an affa bonny biggin an the fleer wiz something else. Efter ony skweel holidays the janny hid it aa polished wi the fine smell o aal farrent wax polish. Tae me that made up for returin tae skweel wi ma lippy tremmlin efter a heavenly braak awa fae the place. I’ve eyee heen a predilection tae the smell o wax polish an nae doot in oor modern world some weirdos wid say that I’ve gotten a fetish o some kind aboot it but bah humbug tae them I jist liket the smell o beeswax an turps.

  Onywye here comes the duncin. The teachers wid hae the record player set up on a bench. Jist een o yon all farrent eens in a box wi a cairrien hunnle at ae side like a suitcase. It wiz eether a PYE or a Bush een an I could’ve done wi een masel tae play my twa Burl Ives records. I digress here though.

We’d be ushered intae the centre o the hall and lined up and the teachers wid gie us a bit o a pep talk aboot foo tae conduct oorsels eence we started duncin. By thes pynt my moral hid hut ma feet and lookin roon I could see by the looks on ither faces I wisna aleen in that feelin. Lookin back aa that years I realise that maist teachers didna only tak awa ony possible enjoyment fae lessons on a daily basis but they could even destroy Chresmess for ye by duncin lessons. On wid gang the Jimmy Shand records then the rows an bullyin wid start as they cajoled ye tae enjoy duncin through terror. Nae a gweed environment Ah’m tellin ye. 

Durin the lesson we were taught foo tae ask a lassie up tae dunce. The quines wid be made tae staan at the ae side and us loons steed at the ither an like eedjits we’d tae cross ower and ask for a dunce. Nae Doric alloed ye hid tae ask in English “Could I have the pleasure of this dance?” The lassies were taught tae reply “Thank you I’d love to.” So fin the teacher tellt us tae dee thes I heeded for the maist popular quine in the class an speired her tae dunce. I could see by her een that I wiz the very last person in the world she wanted staanin in front o her askin for tae dunce but the peer quine wiz caught atween the haimmer an the anvil because like aa the quines they’d been tell that tae refuse wiz considered affa illmannered an nae quite the theng tae dee. So here’s the maist popular quine in the class wi the weeist runt in the class caught up in the etiquette o gweed manners as the wee runt steed there smilin wytin tae be refused. Sadly though that didna happen she must’ve heen better manners than I thocht? Aa the loons that hid status were glowrin at ma an I kent there’d be a price tae pey for my ungentlemanly behaviour later on oot in the playgrun. But then something happenet that teen the immediate heat aff ma fan a quine started howlin oot o her. 

Seeminly there wiz three o the loons refusin tae dunce wi her. There wiz three loons an ae quine left tae get a partner but the three loons refused pynt blank tae dunce wi her. Loads o threats were made at the loons but they steedfast an widna yield tae the teachers ava. By thes time the peer quine hid burst intae tears an they were rinnin doon her chiks like a flood.Noo there wiz nithing wrang wi the lassie ava it wiz jist that the loons hid teen a set against duncin. The PT teacher wiz there an he threatened them wi the tag if een o them didna tak her up tae dunce. Stell they refused even at thes. By noo the peer quine hid started sobbin an by the look on the PT teachers face there wiz only gan tae be one ootcome tae thes. He left and came back wi the tag in his haan an eence again offered een o them tae tak the quine up tae dunce but stell they refused. So he gave the three o them a puckle whacks wi his belt. Noo oor PT teacher wiz a fit strong lad so he pit them on as hard as he could. Thankfully the three loons teen thes athoot a myout fae ony o them but by God ye could see they must be hurtin. Onywye efter he’d feenished he grabbit een o the loons an made him dunce wi the quine an made the ither twa loons dunce wi eenanither. Noo the loon that wiz forced tae dunce wi the lassie wiz a particular pal o mine an the look o wounded pride on his face cracked me up so I couldna dee onytheng for laachin aboot thes an because I couldna stop even efter bein threatened wi the tag masel I wiz sent ootside. I did try a couple o times tae get back intae the hall but ilka time fan I saw my mate’s physog duncin wi the quine I started tae laach again like a complete eedjit an hid tae leave again. The laachter didna last lang though because oot in the playgrun I’d tae pey for my jumpin abeen the station o a mere runt by approachin the maist popular quine in the class. 

But michty fitna gran day that wiz. A real Chrestmess tae remember.

 

copyright © Sanners Gow

The Steens That Turned.

                          Mary MacDonald ootside her hoose.


The Steens That Turned.


Aal Mary MacDonald sat at the cheek o the fire an gave the coals a rummle up wi the poker wi the hope that she micht get the last heat oot o the grate. She shivered wi the caal an pulled her shawl a bittie closer. The Laird’s factor hid came that mornin an teen her coal an athing else o value tae pey the back rent o the hoose. He wiz weel suited tae work for the Laird for he wiz jist like him, Godless an athoot mercy.
   Mary lookit aroon the room in the deein licht even the deepening shadas showed it wiz empty. Athing gone barr the chair she sat on, the clyse on her back and her wee three fittid callander porridge pot that hung fae the swye abeen the fire. They micht as weel hae teen it ana because ower the past fyowe days she’d nivver hin a haanfae o meal tae pit in it. Jock her aal man wiz beeriett a week syne. He’d broke his back in een o the Laird’s mills fin the laidder he wiz on cairryin a bolt o canvas hid given fae ablow him. His body hid been teen hame on a cairt an left for Mary tae deal wi. Wi nae a penny aboot her the parish hid beeriett him in a pauper’s grave.
  The parish hid a special coffin for paupers. The body wiz transported tae the corner o the kirkyard an lowered intae the hole an aifter ony folk that hid been there tae pey the corp last respects hid left, the gravedigger pulled a pin in the coffin an the bottom opened an the corp fell oot. The box wiz removed tae awyte the next pauper. Nae marker wiz allowed.
  Wi Jock workin in the mill the hoose wiz tied so Mary hid tae be oot o the hoose by the wikeyne or twa days hence. The worst thing aboot the factor takin aa her goods & chattles wiz he hidna even left her wi the comfort o her great granda’s bible. A big leather beuk that the factor said wid mak a fyowe shillins. She’d begged him tae leave her w’t but na na he wiz takin it richt reason or neen.Mary hid made a grab for it an he gave her a backhaan slap in the face an tore it fae her hands. A letter hid fell fae it in the struggle an that’s fit she hid in her haan as she sat at her noo oot fire shiverin wi the caal.
  The letter wiz worn wi age an being haanled. Thirty five years hid passed since she’d been sent it fae her son’s commandin officer in India tellin her that Daavid her son hid been killed on the North West frontier in November 1845. Her only bairn hid died at the age o twenty one far far awa fae hame.. He’d been aichteen the last time she’d saw him at the jile in Banff, that hid been the day he’d been teen awa tae the army. Mary sabbit at the memory but nae tears came tae her een, the tears were dried up lang syne. She shivered again but this time nae wi the caal but wi the memory as tae how her bairn hid ended up bein pitten tae the army in the first place.
  It hid been her fault for sendin him tae the big hoose wi the curtains she’d repaired for the Laird’s wife. Mary commin fae the Heilands as she did hid been weel taught by her aunties how tae shew. She’d ayee managed tae mak an extra sair nott shillin that wye afore her haans hid gotten twisted wi age. That forenicht she sent her laddie up tae the big hoose little thinkin she wiz sendin him tae his destiny.
  Daavid hid left wi the curtains hoping it wid be the bonny servant deemy that wid answer the back door o the big hoose but wiz tae be disappointed fin it wiz the aal hoosekeeper that answered it. On the wye back hame he’d teen a shortcut throwe the widdies and it wiz there he’d heard the screams. Hurryin towards the sound, in a clearin he’d come across the Laird’s son an anither laddie forcing themsels on a lassie as she lay on the grun screamin for them tae stop.
  Daavid didna wyte but plooed intae the twa lads like a carronade at Waterloo. At first they’d been shocked an back fitted, but soon they’d turned the tables on Daavid for baith o them were weel trained at fisticuffs. Daavid kent there’d be nae wye he could beat this lads fairly so he’d picked up a lump o stick like a crummoch an gave baith o them a gweed beettlin.
  He’d cairriet the lassie hame tae his mither in an affa state an she washed the lassie an tended tae her wounds as best she could. Daavid wiz mair than upset because this wiz the bonny servant lassie he’d hoped tae see fin he delivered the curtains tae the big hoose. That nicht the dragoons hid come tae the hoose an teen Daavid an the lassie awa. Her tae an asylum an Daavid tae seven years service in the East India company. The servant lassie hid died in the asylum soon aifter and naebody hid kent if she’d deet by fair means or foul. Daavid wi nae proof o fit really happened hid been sentenced tae twenty years hard labour or seven years service in the ranks o The Honourable East India Company. He’d chosen the army an ended up dyin on the North West frontier.
  Mary sabbit as she looked doon at the time worn letter, the only link she noo hid wi her lang lost son. At least the paper and the ink hid came fae the place her bairn hid breathed his last. Mary shivered in the noo freezin room, the last o the fire wiz gone.
  As the shadas deepened Mary thocht tae hersel she’d licht the last inch o cannle so she could read the letter an awyte fitivver the future noo hid in store for her. She teen oot the flint ‘n’ fleerish fae her aapron pooch for tae licht the cannle but changed her mind. Instead she steed up slowly stiff wi the caal an wupped her threedbare shawl tichter aboot her shooders an made for the door.
   In the dark shadas o Duff street she made her wye oot o the toon thinkin tae hersel aa the while as she passed the dimly lit windaes o the folk sittin within maybe laachin as they sat doon tae dine on their simple fare. As she passed one windae she did hear somebody laachin an the fine smell o mutton broth waffted fae the same place as the laachter. Mary made her wye past aa the hooses an headed up the Montcoffer road towards the ruined waasteens o the ancient kirk. She’d find the first o fit she wiz seekin there.
   By the scam o the full meen she saw the sparse winter branches o the aal aspen tree that grew aside the kirkyard. The aspen is a pagan tree an nivver allowed tae growe in a Christian kirkyard. She kneeled afore the pagan tree and seekit permission o’t tae tak some fallen branches fae it. Then she crawled roon the tree three times widdershins (anti-clockwise) each time sayin oot loud three names. Aifter she’d peyed her devotions tae the pagan aspen tree she picked up an oxterfae o branches. Thankin the tree Mary turned three times widdershins.
  Mary’s aunties werena only good wi the needle ‘n’ threed they’d been weel versed in the Black Airts and hid shown Mary some maledictions as well. Mary a deeply religious person hid nivver in her life imagined hersel using that knowledge o the Black Airts, until this very day fin the factor hid teen fae her the Holy Bible that hid meant so muckle tae her.
   Next Mary made her wye back the road she’d came an wint tae the wee brigg faar baith the living an the deed crossed. She struggled throwe fun bushes that tore at her legs and eventually near drappin reached the burn. She entered the freezin waaters wi a gasp as it came up tae her hochs and walked ablow the arch o the wee brigg. There wisna ony meenlicht here but she’d nae need o’t.
  Takin her shawl fae her shooders she bent doon an guddled aboot in the waater till she got ten waterworn steens each aboot the size o an aipple. Pittin them intae her shawl she wint back up the bank near in a state o collapse. Her clyse were soakin aweet wi the freezin waater but o that she peyed nae heed. On the side o the brigg she haanled each o the ten steens in turn an threw yin back tae the waater. Placin the nine chosen steens back intae her shawl she tied them up intae the mak dee bag. Pickin up the aspen branches on her wye she made the lang road hame.
  It wiz much later noo an hardly a licht showed as she passed the hooses. By the time Mary reached her ain door the bitter caal an the days athoot mait were beginin tae tell on her. Exhausted she drappit the steens an the aspen branches tae the grun an thankfully sat on the seat she’d left oors afore..
   Mary didna ken foo lang she'd sat there but wi a start she got tae her feet an staggered tae the shawl and teen oot the nine steens. She laid the steens in front o the fire and there turned each steen tae the widdershins nine times at each turn repeatin three names. Neist she teen the aspen branches an laid them oot ontae the caal fire grate then placed the nine steens on tap. Takin the flint ‘n’ fleerish fae her aapron pooch she tried wi freezin haans tae garr it spark. It teen a gye fyowe cracks at it afore the oo started tae smoulder and blawin it tae flame she put it aneth the aspen and in nae time the green tinged flames were lickin roon the steens.
  As the aspen burned she said the names o the Laird, the Laird’s son and the factor an cursed them forivver-and-a-day. She keepit this up as she knelt afront the fire until the green flames wint oot.
  Aifter a while Mary teen the steens oot fae the fire an put them intae her shawl. Ower the next couple o oors Mary walked aboot the parish an ivvery noo an then she’d cast awa een o the steens intae a place it wid nivver be found. At each cast she cursed the three names and said “This curse will nivver be lifted until the nine steens are githered eence mair in ae place!”
   Exhausted an freezin Mary made it hame tae her cheer. She thocht tae hersel she micht pray for forgiveness for fit she’d jist deen but thinkin hersel beyond redemption she jist sat an shivered wi the letter in her haan.
  Foo lang she’d been sittin there fin she felt a licht touch ontae her richt shooder she didna ken. She slowly lookit up and saw Daavid staanin there smiling at her the wye he used tae. Mary steed up stiffly wi a gasp an teen her lang lost laddie in her bosie an sabbit oot his name ower an ower again while the saat tears ran doon her aal life-worn chiks. Fin he spoke he sounded exactly the same “Mither I’ve come tae tak ye tae a far better place, nae mair pain Mam life his been faar ower cruel tae ye!”
   The room seemed fulled wi murmuring shadas an here an there she got the glimpse o fit she thocht wiz faces. Fin she lookit at Daavid again the bonny wee servant lassie wiz at his side an sabbin Mary teen her intae her bosie ana..
  Sittin doon in her exhaustion Mary sat an sabbit fit tae brak yer hert. Daavid kneeld doon in front o his mither huddin her haan. Mary stroked his face an said “I canna come wi ye ma laddie for I’ve sinned against God by the turnin o the steens.”
  Daavid smiled an cuddled his Mam sayin “Faa div ye think sent me tae ye? Yer forgiven for ye hinna sinned ava. Fit is gan tae happen tae that three men is comin their wye an they’ll nae be dodgin it.”
  Daavid leaned ower an picked up something fae the fleer an handed it tae her. “Here mither it’s yer beloved bible.”
   A couple o days later Doctor Webster stood in Mary’s room shakin his heed. He’d already written the cause o death as a mixture o starvation and very low temperatures. Mary sat on her chair wi a bonny smile on her face wi a bible on her knee and a letter in her haan. The doctor teen the letter and read it, unusually for him bein a doctor and used tae seein sichts like this he felt the hot tears rin doon his ain chiks. At hame he’d a very similar letter tae this yin tellin him o the death o his only child at Bermuda. He’d contracted the fever fae the sojers he wiz treating and hid died o the same fever.
  Doctor Webster dichtin his een turned tae see the factor and the undertakers wytin wi the pauper’s coffin. Doctor Webster nearly exploded wi anger an roared “Tak you that abomonation fae oot this hoose an bring tae me the very best coffin ye can lay haans on. Lookin doon at Mary said tae the room this isna a pauper’s funeral! This is tae be the funeral o a devoted mither that died o a broken heart!”
   He looked doon an murmured “Thirty five years o unimaginable pain quine!” Turnin in anger he said “See tae it she’s laid tae rest wi aa honours and the best steen siller can buy as her marker!”
  He teen one last look at the wee aal wifie shrunken in death but wi a bonny smile on her face an muttered
“Though I think she’s awa tae a much better place.”

END.

 

copyright © Sanners Gow

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The Final Serving.

                                                 pte Hamish Sangster

The Final Serving.

The train pulled intae Macduff station and the sojer lad stepped doon fae the guard box intae the caal nicht air. He thanked Jimmy Reid the guard for the hurl. He’d been stranded in Aiberdeen and wid’ve hin tae wyte till the next mornin for the Macduff train but Jimmy hid spotted him. 

Jimmy kent his father Geordie Sangster they’d been at school thegither so he’d shouted him ower and offered him a hurl on the late goods train gyan tae Macduff. Hamish hid been fair chuffed and in nae time wiz in the guard box haein a fine strong cup o tay and o aa things a Dandyduff butterie. He thocht he wiz in heaven.
   Hamish walked fae the station doon intae the toon wi his kitbag on his shooder. So far he’d been sax weeks ontae a troopship and the last fortyaicht oors on different trains fae Southampton. He wiz tired, hungry and feelin the caal chill breeze comin aff the Moray Firth. 

Makin his wye doon tae Duff street he noticed there wisna muckle fowk gyan aboot. Maybe it bein sic a caal nicht fowk were mair inclined tae their ain hearth steens. He got the waft o breed fae the bakehoose, aal Tammar Stewart nae doot hard at it getting stuff ready for the next day. 

As he wint doon the street memories came floodin back tae fin he wiz a bairn. A lot o years hid passed since he ran up an doon this brae wi his pals. The sichts an sounds o the hairbour or the fine smell o the smoke sheds as they kippered herrin or cured haddocks. Though aa the shops were shut for the nicht he noticed a licht on in Candy Nellie’s sweetie shop. Candy Nellie wisna her richt name that wiz Mary Simpson but tae generations o Dandyduffers she wiz Candy Nellie. God the pu-candy she made wiz nivver tae be forgotten, a great twist the size o yer hand for a bawbee and if ye did it richt ye could mak it last a whole day. He tried the door an found it open. The wee bell rang oot as the door hut it and pushed the wee airm.
Though the licht wiz turned doon low Hamish could see the different sweeties in tin trays on the simple widden coonter. He waited a couple o minutes but naebody appeared so he shouted “SHOP!” A skuffle came fae the back room and Candy Nellie wiz there wi her smiling face jist as he mind.
“Aye sojer lad fit can I dee for ye?”
Even her voice wiz the same and she’d hardly aged ava. Obviously she didna recognise him but then again why would she wi the amount o bairns that hid passed throwe her door in aa the years?
He tellt her that fin he wiz on the Peshawar plains in India he’d often thocht o her pu-candy. She smiled her kind smile and wint tae een o the trays and got him a twist. She put it intae a wee paper bag afore handin it ower the coonter. Hamish speired at he foo muckle it cost but she shook her heed sayin she wisna seekin siller for it and that if he enjoyed it that wiz aa the peyment she nott. He thanked her and made for the door sayin good nicht. Jist as he left he heard her saying “Aye good nicht tae you ana Hamish!” Michty she must’ve mind on him aifter aa this time. He thocht o gan back inside but he could see her turnin the lamp oot so he decided he’d gyang back anither day.
   Makin his wye tae his mither’s at Tarlair street he felt the shiver in his bones as if the fever fae the Peshawar plains wiz returning. But he shrugged that aff sayin tae himsel it wiz only the caal ween and he wiz tired. The familiar sight o Tarlair street teen his mind fae dwelling on the fevers that near killed him in the burnin heat o India. His step quickened as he neared his ain door. It hid been seven lang years since he last walked here. He could see the greenish glow o the gas licht ahin his mither’s closed curtains and could picture her sittin there knittin in front o the range or maybe makin scones on the girdle and faither readin een o his beuks.. He tried the door but it wiz locked so he gave a light chap. A minty or twa later and the door opened and there wiz his aal mither so he teen her intae his bosie wi a “Mam!” Oh sic a welcome he got. Father came ben the hoose wi his pipe in his moo and the glasses perched up on his broo and grabbed his laddie and danced aroon. Hamish started tae say something but the words nivver formed as he collapsed in a heap and lay still as if he wiz deed.
  He came tee tae find himsel lyin on his ain bed wi aal Doctor McBain leanin ower him. He could see his mither and father standin at the ither side o the bed wi really concerned looks on their faces. He tried tae tell them he’d be aricht that it wiz only the fever but the spasms wracked throwe his body again makin speech impossible. The next thing he kent wiz the feeling o caal water being swabbed ontae his broo and as he opened his een he saw it wiz his mither. He could see that she’d been greetin and he couldna imagine why so he teen her hand in his and saw her smile wi relief.
  Ower the next couple o weeks Hamish got back tae his feet but michty he wiz as weak as a kittlin. Slowly he got mair mobile and Doctor McBain suggested that he should get oot intae the fresh air.
The next day it wiz a fine sunny day so Hamish put on his civie clyes and wint for a traivell. His clyse were far too slack on him and he felt uncomfortable weerin breeks instead o the kilt he wiz used tae. Neentheless he wint for a walk alang the shore. The fine appetising smell o fish being smoked wint roon his hert like a hairy worm. Some o the fisher loons were workin on the nets. He kent een or twa o them so he stood up for a bit news wi them. A fylie later he found himsel near the fit o Duff street so he thocht he’d gang in past Candy Nellie tae thank her again for the pu-candy and maybe buy a bit mair cause he must’ve lost the last bit. Onywye as he approached the shop he could see the blinds were doon and it looked shut. Sic a shock he got fin he saw the neglected look o the place. The windae wiz dirty and on the inside he could see loads o deed bluebottles and wasps some caught in the multitude o spider webs that hung awye. It hid only been a couple o weeks since he spoke tae her so there wiz nae wye it could be in this state?
   Fin Hamish won his wye hame and sat doon for his denner he seemed affa deep in thought. His mither noticed this and speired if there wiz something wrang. Hamish at first seemed reluctant but eventually tellt her aboot Candy Nellie and him gyan in by on the nicht he’d came hame. His mither tellt him he couldna hae been intae the shop for it hid been shut for the past seven years iver since she’d died.
Doctor McBain came tae visit so his mither tellt him fit Hamish hid been tellin her aboot Candy Nellie. Doctor McBain laached at this sayin “Dinna you worry ma loon ye nivver saw a ghost!” And tellt him that wi him suffering fae the fever he’d only hid a wee bit o a hallucination and that wiz quite normal. Of course Hamish believed this but somehow it still left him feelin a wee bittie uneasy.
   Onywye a fyowe wiks later he’d gotten his marchin orders and wiz tae leave for Fort George up the Inverness wye. His mither readied his kit makin sure the pleats on his kilt were perfect and that his tunic wiz pressed and clean. Aifter she’d laid athing oot she teen the sporran tae gie it a polish and tidy up. Something fell tae the grun so she bent doon tae pick it up. It wiz a wee paper bag and inside there wiz a big twist o pu-candy.


End.


 

copyright © Sanners Gow

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The Clootie Dummmplin.

The Clootie Dummmplin!

Aal Mrs Robson wiz an affa fine craiter an so wiz her man Jocky. He’d been the gravedigger for Macduff Toon Cooncil up at the Myrus cemetary until he retired in 1935. They bade doon at the heed o Hutcheon street yonder but the hoosie like themsels is lang awa an forgotten, an mair’s the peety.

They’d a fine yard at the back o the hoosie faar Jocky grew aa kinds o berries an vegetables an sic like. By this time Jocky wiz gettin on a bittie an wisna sae swaak aboot the hochs as he eence wiz. Noo it wiz a greet an a girn tae get yokit an michty but the yard wiz a fair caa tee. Onyhoo wi this the gairden wiz getting gye neglecit like this didna suit Mrs Robson ava so she suggested he speir at his pal Ackers Lendrum if he’d dee the yard for him. Ackers wiz a lot younger than Jocky and hid teen ower his job fin he’d retired. Fin asked Ackers said ‘Michty aye min I’ll fairly dee that!’

   Nae siller changed haans of coorse but Ackers wid be getting a share in the produce. Noo this arrangement suited Ackers doon tae the grun for he’d sell his share tae the local shops tae mak a sair knott shillin for his beer. Better norr that ilka time he vrocht in the yard Mrs Robson wid come oot wi a slab o clootie dumplin. She’d speir at him ‘Wid ye be likin a daad o clootie dummmplin Ackers ?’ Michty but Ackers wiz that fond o her dumplin an tae Mrs Robson he praised her clootie dumplin (or as she’d say clootie dummmplin) tae the high heavens. An wi this praise aa the mair clootie dummmplins did she’d mak.

   It wiz the hinner eyne o the season an Ackers wiz clearin the grun an dailin it ower for the neist year. Aal Jocky helpit faar he could an brunt aa the deed growth in the midden tae mak intae potash for the gairden. They were vrochtin awa newsin aboot this an that an ivvery noo an then Ackers wid gyang ower tae the plate a big slab o clootie dumplin lay on an teer aff anither fyang o’t an mash it doon his thrapple. Aal Jocky jist shook his heed thinkin ‘Michty that’s aboot the third slab o’t he’s pitten awa an it nae haaf throwe the mornin’s yokin. Gweed sakes faar diz he pit it aa?’ Onywye Jocky teen a barrafae o kale reets ower the wye o the midden wi a bit o a grunt for his hochs were playin up eynoo. There wiz an affa narra bit atween the shed an the hoordin. Ahin the hoordin lay the midden. As he passed throwe wi the loaded barra his sark caught on a nail that near tore it fae his back aathegither.
Wi a curse an a bit o a stotter Jocky coupit the barra an skailed the kale reets aboot the grun. Mair than cursin he made tae pick athing up but faa should come inaboot but Mrs Robson hersel?
‘Michty min that’s an affa din yer at! Fit’s the waur wi ye?’ Jocky wiz grummlin aboot the skailed reets an his gweed sark bein ruined. Ackers wiz taakin aa this in an kittlin Jocky up. He lookit neen ower pleased aboot it. So Ackers teen the chance o a bit rest an anither daad o dumplin tae sit an watch the ongyans.
‘It’s ma gweed sark! Look at that!’ Mrs Robson hid a lookie at it sayin , ‘Gweed be here min that sark’s like yersel aal an deen . I’ll nae be able tae sort that!’ Jocky started grummlin eence mair but Mrs Robson stoppit him in mid grummle.
‘Tak it aff ye girnin all bugger an I’ll get ye anither yin!’ So sayin she made intae the hoose. Still a bittie vrocht up Jocky did as he wiz bid an teen it aff but nae afore he’d teen his wastcoat, gallusus an belt aff first though.
Ackers wiz sittin watchin the reels an mashin yet mair dumplin intae his face. Jocky’s sark wiz made o thick wool like the army wore but a grey colour that hid lang tails tae them tae haap a man’s back fae the caal. As he teen it aff Ackers spotted dried shite stickin tae the tail o’t an throwe a moothfae o dumplin shouted
‘Michty Jocky ye must’ve let the tail o yer sark get in the road o yer last shite min!’
Commin ower a glaickit Jocky wuppit up the sark tae hide the offendin broon bits an wiz on the point o haivin it ontae the midden fin Mrs Robson returned wi anither sark.
Ackers throwe a big moothfae o crummles shouted ‘Caught wi the shite covered tail!’
Mrs Robson gye come at says tae Jocky ‘Fit are ye deein min? Ye mauna throw that awa!’ So sayin she grabbit it fae him an taakin a pair o shears fae her aapron pooch started cuttin aff the shite covered tail sayin ‘Ye ken fine I like tae keep the tails o yer aal sarks for tae mak ma clootie dummmplins!’

end.

 

copyright © Sanners Gow
  

The Diary o' a Feel at the Skweel (The Coo's Goosie.)

 

 

The Coo's Goosie.

There wiz an affa excitement in the class as we got riggit for the big bus run. Michty me aa us geets were gan in meltdoon as the teacher made us tidy oor desks then gang tae the pegs tae get oor cwites on. My mither hid even allooed ma tae pit on ma brand new cwite for the day an tellt ma tae mine an nae leave it hingin on the pegs. I eyee mine it wiz kind o like a broon tweed wi a wee herrin bone pattern that reached tae ma knees. Cosy pie an affa smairt, ma heedy wiz fair rockin wi pride at thes coat.

We hid tae line up in the playgrun in gweed order tae wyte for the bus. I fichered makin sure ma cwite wiz hingin perfectly.

Spikk aboot pride afore a faa?

Onywye the bussie arrived an we boorded wi the teacher gettin us seated for the journey. She even smiled at me and that I can tell ye hid nivver happened afore. I wiz mair eest tae bulgin een an furraad broos fae her as she gave me a row for nae deein recht. But a smile nivver!

The bus journey wisna affa lang though only aboot three miles oot the road tae the big dairy up the Langmin hill aside Macduff. We were tae be given a guided toor o the dairy tae see foo they milkit the coos an pit the milk intae the bottles.

Noo thes wiz aboot 1960 so the plant must've been gye new an nae doot the fairmer hid been gye prood o't. Ye could fairly see that as he teen us throwe the dairy showin us foo thes or that wiz deen. The coos were aa bonny an clean as they steed in staas gettin milkit wi milkin machines. Then ontae the bit faar the milk ran ower grills tae be cooled doon. The grills lookit for aa the world like a bigger version o ma mither's washboord. Then ontae the bit I really wanted tae see. The bottle fillin machine. Mechty hit wiz a recht bit o kit. The bottles passed under the machine an came oot the ither eyne fulled an ready for cappin. A couple o deemies did thes wi a a thing like a bell an pressed doon pittin on the metal foil caps. I mine bein affa impressed wi thes an could've deen tae ficher wi een o them tae see foo it vrocht. Oh me I fairly enjoyed seein foo athing wiz deen an tae thes day fanivver I gang past that place I mind on it as if it wiz yestreen.

The ither bit wisna so gweed though.

Aifter we'd heen the toor the fairmer teen us back tae the place faar the coos were still gettin milkit. His wife hid a surprise for his an gave each o us a wee paper cup o icecream wi a timmer speen tae ait it wi. She tellt us it wis made fae the very milk fae the coos stannin ahin us. Oh mechty me ye couldna get better norr at!

The fairmer started tellin us stories aboot vrochtin among coos as we ait thes fine icecream. Oor teacher wiz spikkin awa tae the fairmer's wife wi a normal look on her face and even a ‘chortle chortle’noo an then. Nae the normal face I wiz eest tae wi the bulgin een an lowered angry broos. That wifie eyee wore a pearl necklace an that drew yer attention tae the slack skin aneath her chin an mechty me foo hit eest tae shoogle aboot fan she got angry at ye. My thochts were interupted wi some o the geets shoutin at ma "Sanners watch oot!" an lookin ahin ma pyntit at something. Noo onybody else wid've jist moved but nae me. Na na I hid tae look ahin ma jist in time tae watch a coo's ershole discharge abeen ma. The coos were up on a wee bank in the staas tae mak it easier for the fairmer tae attach the milkin machines tae the udders so as the coo emptied itsel gravity and height came intae play an covered me fae heed tae fit in teemins.

Till the day I dee I'll nivver forget lookin up as thes green goore fell ower ma. Ma mooth must've been open ana in a silent scream as thes warm goore poored ower ma an fulled it as weel as the wee tub o icecream. There wiz a babble o voices ahin ma as I boaked an plenty 'Gyaad sakes!' but I wiz mair concerned aboot ma new cwite so boakin ma guts up I tried tae scrape the coo's teemins aff o it wi ma haans. That's fan ma lippie really started tremmlin an if memory serves I think I started a low keenin soon fae deep doon in ma thrapple. The teacher gid gyte wi ma though for bein a bliddy feel staanin under a coo. Mechty me she wisna affa happy ava an seemed at a loss as fit tae dee wi ma. The fairmer's wife steed intae the breach though an made me wash oot ma moo wi a bottle o milk an spit athing oot. Then she got weet cloots an dichted as muckle o the teemins affa ma as she could. Aa the while the teacher wiz rantin at ma as I wiz whimperin aboot ma new cwite. Spikk aboot a 'lippy tremmlin' moment! Onywye athing eventually calmed doon. The fairmer's wife must've heen geets o her ain an wiz affa kind tae ma tellin ma that ma cwite wid easily wash an be as gweed as new. She gave me anither tub o icecream ana but it didna taste as gweed as the first een though.

On the wye back tae the skweel I wiz avoided by abody an must’ve heen ten seats atween me an the rest o the geets. I keepit ma heed doon because the teacher wiz glourin at ma aa the wye wi her usual bulgin een an the wattle aneath her chin fair shooglin wi supressed anger at ma. I’d be gettin ma tatties fae her eence back at the skweel I mine thinkin. But I got sent hame instead because I wiz bowfin.

On reflection I learned something valuable that day. Here's fit I learnt.

In Macduff if somebody hid a reed inflamed ee fowk wid say tae them "Michty ye've an ee on ye like a 'coo's goosie'. I eyee winnert fit a coo's goosie wiz? But that day I fun oot 'exactly' fit a coo's goosie wiz. I lookit up at een as it emptied itsel ower ma.

Ma mither got ma cwite as gweed as new an I wore it for ages efterhins but fyles on a warm day I wiz sure I could still smell the coo's teemins aff o't.

 

copyright © Patrick Hutchison

The Postymortum. "Ae min?"

The Postymortum. “Ae min?”

Sandy Connach and his mate Goggs Blaad were vrochtin at the Hill o Turlundie aside the Cyack. At Turlundie there wiz fower council hooses biggit back in the fifties for fairm workers but noo wi changing needs as regards parkin motor cars they were cutting in wee hardstannin areas in front o each o the fower hoosies.

Fin they arrived there Sandy hid said tae Goggs “Goad min a richt fine jobbie tae keep us oot o langer!” Goggs hid nodded his heed at this but thocht tae himself ‘Na na Sandy this his got dam aa tae dee wi a fine wee jobbie!’ Goggs teen a quick look aroon him and as far as the yak could see there wiz trees. Noo fin Sandy saw trees he didna see them the same as the rest o us as big tall bonny things wyvin in the breeze. Na Sandy saw them cuttit doon and intae piles o bonny wee cloggies awytin his bogey for tae tak them hame tae Macduff. Now this story his got bugger all tae dee wi trees as I only mention them as tae show fit kind o a character oor Sandy is. Onywye on wi the story--.

Across fae faar the boys were vrochtin steed the cottar hoose o Turlundie. A richt set up placie it wiz wi a great big gairden surrounded wi drysteen waas aboot as heich as a man budy’s middle. The gairden wiz stappit foo o fit oor Sandy wid caa ‘goodies!’. At the richthaan side there wiz ten dreels o tatties gyan the full length o the yard and they were weel kypit up wi the taps o them wyvin in the breeze wi some even beginnin tae flooer.
Sandy noo leanin ower the waa wi the usual rollup in his lip longed tae get a graip in among the buggers. Next tae the tatties there wiz twa neat plots, een wi ingins the ither wi carrots. Sandy wisna ower sure but some o the carrots lookit tae him as if they were beginnin tae shot an gyang tae seed? At the ither side o the yard wiz teen up wi raas o pey pods and they were hingin in bunches like pyokes o cuddy’s pizzles. Aside them but oot a bittie wiz a big plot o strawberries weel covered wi aal fishin nets tae keep the birdies oot fae them an the plants themsels keepit fae the grun by bonny yella strae that fair garred the bonny reed strawberries staan oot. At this point Sandy hid remove his rollup fae his mooth tae dicht awa the slaivers as he drooled at the sicht.
  There wiz sax things that maist fowk that kent Sandy loved. Tabbaca, drink, weemin, fechtin, trees and his collie dowg Paddy. But? There wiz twa ither things that maist fowk jist didna ken ava and that wiz his love o peypods and strawberries. He could ait puns o the buggers. Sandy pinged awa his noo slaiver soaked tabby and wint back across the road faar Goggs wiz howkin.
As Sandy gid inaboot he said in a low voice tae Goggs that if the opportunity arose he wiz gan tae plunder the bliddy gairden. Goggs steed up at this sayin
“Ye canna dee that min!” But Sandy wiz adamant. Goggs pyntid oot that he’d get the bliddy jyle. Sandy tellt him he’d deen it plenty times in Macduff fin he wiz a loon. Goggs got torn in
“Aye ye were a bairn then min, if ye gyang aboot deein things like at as a man ye’ll get the jyle an then twintyfower different colours o the broon stuff kicked oot o ye by the police!”
Ah but Sandy widna listen ava he wiz determined tae hae a plunder. At this Goggs lost the rag
“Look Sandy if you gyang traipsin aboot the man’s yard chorin stuff wi size ten hobberts (tackety beets) on they winna hae far tae look tae find the culprit?”
Then Goggs pyntid oot tae Sandy as if he wiz a gype that as he also wore size tens o hobberts he’d be in the drait ana and he’d also get twintyfower different colours o drait kicked oot o him wi size thirteens o hobberts attached tae the leg o a big reed faced Heilan bobby. Na na he jist wisna for that ava! Sandy still adamant tellt Goggs that if the bobbies came they’d ken it wiz him Sandy that wiz tae blame! Goggs couldna believe fit he wiz hearin
“How in the name o Christ could they ken it wiz you min?” Then said “Baith o’s weer size ten hobberts so they’ll jist kick baith o’s tae hell and be deen w’t.
Sandy eventually saw sense in fit Goggs wiz sayin an thocht better o gyan plunderin. Mind you that didna stop him fae gyan across the road noo-an-then lookin ower the dyke intae the yard. He’d staan there wi the slaivers fleein fae his mooth like a barley bull lookin at a park o heifers. At this times Goggs keepit a loochy’s yak ontae in case he loupit ower the dyke.

Ae day Sandy wiz haein a smoke leanin ower the dyke and droolin as usual at the peypods an strawberries fin a voice speired at him
“Fit are you deein here? Ae min?”
Sandy near loupit clear oot o his skin an shouted oot
“Oo ya hooer!” nearly swallyin his wee tabbie.
An there it steed! Nae as heich as the dyke an as braid as it wiz lang weerin a pair o cut doon dungarees wi a flat cap straacht on its heed like a vision fae the nineteen twinties. The pysog ablow the cap wid pit a budy in mind o a futtritt lookin at a rubbit. Sandy recoverin a bittie by this time an spittin bits o tabbaca fae his gob managed a guilty “Nithing!” like a bairn bein caught wi an airmfae o aipples up a tree. The wee manny gid a haaf smile, well if ye could caa it a smile but it still lookit like a futtritt lookin at a rubbit tae Sandy. The wee manny said
“That’s a guilty conscience there ae min?”
Sandy managed a haafherted “Na na min nithing o the kind I wiz jist admirin a weel set up yard!” He felt like endin the sentence wi an “Ae min!”
The aal lad ended ilka sentence wi an “Ae min?” an Sandy bein Sandy noticed this habit richt awa. He couldna wait tae tell Goggs but he’d nae tae wyte lang for Goggs came across the road tae see the ongyans. As ye mind Goggs wiz still keepin a loochy’s ee on Sandy incase he loupit the dyke an haived throwe the gairden wi his size ten hobberts crushin aathing aneth him.

Och in nae time they were aa newsin aboot this an that and Sandy keepit slippin in plenty “Ae mins?” for the benefit o Goggs. The aal lad didna seem tae notice this but Goggs did an it teen aa his self control nae tae burst oot laachin.
Onywye they got on richt weel wi this aal lad getting a richt aalfarrent news wi him. That is aifter ye got eest tae hearin him in his droll wye endin ilka sentence wi “Ae min?” Of course Sandy got a hud o this an drivin hame that nicht Goggs mair than eence near put the van aff the road laachin at Sandy mockin the aal lad wi plenty”Ae mins?”

It wisna a big job so the boys were seen feenished up and on the last day aifter tidyin aathing awa an wi the van loaded they crossed the road for a last news wi the aal lad. He’d promised he’d gie them some peypods an strawberries afore they wun awa hame. Sandy even teen his flasks oot o his haiversaik ready for tae load up wi aa the promised ‘goodies’. Leanin ower the dyke the twa lads were newsin awa but the aal lad seemed gye distracted so they speired at him fit wiz wrang? It materialised he’d thocht his carrots hid shot an were gan tae seed Ae min?
Onywye tae cut a lang story short Sandy tellt him he’d thocht the carrots were shot the first time he’d lookit intae the gairden. The result o this wiz a lot o “Ae mins?” then the aal lad heeded for the carrot bed an pu’d een oot. He came back tae the boys an laid the carrot on tap o the dyke sayin in a melancholy voice “I’ll dee een o yon postymortums things tae fin oot! Ae min?” So sayin he teen he teen fae his pooch a weel worn lamm’s fit k-nife an like a surgeon began his postymortum on the carrot as if a pathologist on tv. Sandy hid tae leave at this pynt crossin the the road tae wun intae the van an Goggs could hear the maist affa hissin soon comin fae the van. Aifter a fylie Sandy managed tae wun back kindo composed. Goggs could see tear stains hid runnled doon the cement styowe on his face wi laachin. The aal lad lookit up fae his postymortum on the carrot sayin “Gweed sakes the bugger is shot! Ae min?”
Sandy pulled a mock concerned face an speird the aal lad if he’d given the carrot anesthetic afore the operation? Ae min? This wiz lost on the aal lad because he wiz that vrocht up but it wisna lost on Goggs so it wiz his turn tae bolt for the van and a kekklin soon could be heard as he wint intae the kinks o laachter.

Sandy by this time hid lost aa interest in carrots an cut tae the chase wi a subtle hint by layin his teem haiversaik on tap o the dyke an kindo mentioned the aal lad’s promise aboot peypods an strawberries. The aal lad still gye vrocht up aboot his carrots didna seem tae tak the subtle hint wi Sandy’s teem pyoke until Sandy reminded him ootricht aboot his promise. This teen the aal lad tae the fore an wi a
“Michty aye loon jist gie me a minty an I’ll get them. Ae min?” Sandy fair trickit made sure there wisna ony cement styowe in his pyoke by turnin it upsidesdoon an duntin it on the heed o the dyke an steed there wytin for the loads o peypods an strawberries wi the slaivers fleein fae his mooth.Ae min?
A minty or twa later the aal lad came back an laid the load o peypods an strawberries on tap o the dyke wi an “Ae min?” Sandy couldna believe his een. On the heed o the dyke lay one peypod an one strawberry. Sandy jist steed there wi his moo hingin open. Nae aften in life hid oor Sandy been stuck for words? This time though there wiz nae words, nae even a groan. He jst steed there lookin doon at the single peypod an the single strawberry then up at the aal lad’s face then back doon tae the heed o the dyke. The aal lad by this time seekin some kind o response like a show o gratitude for his selfless act o generosity jist watched Sandy wi a puzzled frown till something clicked in the aal lad’s heed “OH!” says he lookin ower at the van faar oot o sicht Goggs wiz still rollin aboot in the hysterics “Yer mate will be seekin some ana? Ae min?”

Aboot a fortnich later an affa come at set up. The police were at the gairden an the aal lad wiz in an affa state . Nearly aa the peys an strawberries hid been chored. Oh me there wiz even tears in his een. “Ae min?” Nae only hid he lost his peypods an strawberries but faaivver hid deen it steed ower the heeds o aa the carrots an hid systematically wint up an doon the dreels crushin ivvery single een o them wi the heel o his beet. Some tattie dreels hid been kickit tae buggery ana! The police couldna mak onything o it barr tell the aal lad that there’d been twa o them an they baith wore size tens o hobberts. Fin the police left een said tae the ither “Ken this min? If I got my haans on the lads that did this I’d tak them back tae the station an kick twintyfower different colours o drait fae them wi ma size thirteen an a haaf hobberts!” The ither bobby agreed sayin “Aye sae wid I. But ye do ken we’ll nivver fin oot faa did this? Ae min?” 


 

copyright © Sanners Gow

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