This story differs from most
of the other tales on this blog because it’s been written in the
Tinker’s Cant as well as the Doric. I read a lot o stuff about
language especially the Scots but I know another way, the old way. I
never did intend tae post this but I thought it might be of interest
to read the real language and see even within the Doric there is
another delivery system. I know this story will be a bit of problem
to read but I hope you will get the gist of it. It is a pretty rough
story with quite a lot o bad words in it so if you are easily
offended ‘dinna read it.’
THE PAGGERED TEST
Once upon a time whin guffies were swine and skunkies chowed tabbaca there wis a Traivellin couple decided tae get hitched.
Noo the time that I'm writin aboot wid be ower a twa hunder years ago an' in them days nae Nyakin wid go onywye near a priest nor minister for the fear o' bein pittin intae the stardy jist for bein a Traiveller.
The religious hantle were that sleekit at the time an' they hated onybody they couldnae subdue especially the Traiveller.
Onywye; the Nyaks didnae need the priest nor minister tae fauld clooties or kiss crossies for them tae mairry for they hid their ain wye o' tyin the knot. The ceremony wiz simple as can be, a shaft o' broom wid be held abeen a camp fire an' the couple tae wed wid be made tae jump ower the broom as they held haans. At the ither side o the fire a pail wid be set waitin. First the dilly wid hae a sloosh intae it then the gaidie wid dee the same, then yin o' the aaler men wid tak the pail an sweel the sloosh aboot an' declare tae aabody present that if ony man or woman could separate the sloosh then the weddin nivver wiz.
But onywye afore oor young couple wint through the ceremony some o' the ither Traivellers teen the chavie aside and manged tae him that the dilly he wiz aboot tae mairry come aff shan hantle renowned far an' near for bein affa white livered. It wiz said that they'd tak a lump oot o' yer livin flesh an' deek intae yer chackers an' laach as they did it, but the chavie widnae listen tae good counsel for he wiz that loved up at the thocht o' haein a collich o' his ain.
Therefore the ceremony completed an' the twa o' them recognised as bein mairried in amongst the Nyaks onywye if nae in the yaks o' the kirk they sat doon tae dine on a bowlfae o' sloorach an' tae weet their wheeples on the reed reed wine.
Some o' the ither Traivellers deekin on mutterd among themsels that the dilly wiz gan tae mak the poor chavie clour fit wisnae itchy an' gie him tammy-come-aroochtum once she bung among her ain hantle again.
One aal collich manged.
“ Oh shannish shannish that poor gaidie's gan tae get the chackers moolied aff his skull bain wi' that wee mort for she'll turn like her hantle intae a pure whitlivered moicher”!
Makin the sign o' the cross for dramatic effect she manged in a voice that wid've made a monk tak dropsy.
“ God- bless -us -an' -save -us -aa”!
She near fell intae a swoon an' hid tae get a restorative o' the reed reed wine forced nae unwillingly doon her thrapple. The poor owld crater it's lippy wiz fair tremmblin wi' the exertion but aifter aboot a half gallon o' wine it come tee an' set up a low mutterin sound then it broke intae channterin a pebroch for the poor wee gaidie.
But onywye the owld collich aside Hector an' Maria were given gifts fae the ither Traivellers. A Callendar pot wi' three feeties, a jockey and a stand o' chitties for their cookin, a good wup o' canvas for makin their bow-camp and a twar or three blankets made o' hamespun for tae sleep upon. That wiz them set ontae life's course him at the age o' fourteen or there aboots and her at the age o' sixteen.
For a start things wint weel for them, Hector wiz a dab haan at the makin o' the baskets, he could fashion the bonniest cowies ye ivver did see oot o' the waans that grew far an' near. Maria on the ither haan wiz good at spraachin habin fae the keezers an' could drooker as weel as ony aaler collich young though she wiz. They traivelled the braid lans o' the bonnie Buchan campin as the fancy teen them. As far as the yak could pipe the land wiz theirs for the takin.
Ye see the country hantle o' the Buchan were on the whole nae too bad tae the Nyakins an' them bein affa superstitious hantle they'd nivver pit a Traiveller awa fae their grun for it wiz thocht at that time good luck if ye were favoured by a visit fae the Tinkies. Mind ye aa ruchs werenae like that, some were gye coorse bastards an' widnae hae the 'fool tink hooers' aboot the place. That yins though were few an' far atween an' ony ruchies that were too hard on the Nyaks could find themsels getting the “Come hither” pit upon them!
Three straws teen fae the thack abeen their jigger an' brunt wid pit the evil yak ontae them for siven years and a day, either that or the Bainshee could be summoned tae sing for them drivin them pure moich wi' the fear. Or their cattle could be made tae dry up an' ony milk aboot the place ging soor as rowans, the very grun could be bleached clear o' life so that nae one blade o' grass or crawlin beastie wid be seen upon the grun nor a bird fae the sky flee abeen it for siven lang years! A bad ruch could get one or the lot happen tae him it aa depended how coorse the fucker wiz tae the Nyaks.
Whit truth there is in the three straws I canna weel say and I honestly widdnae like tae find oot but there are stories; aye stories that wid mak the very hairs in the back o' yer crump staan straicht up, stories that if tellt ye wid rob a budy o' a decent slum for weeks tae come if I tellt them that is. But I winna dae that here for this story is aboot Hector and Maria and nae bainshee will sing tae ye as she combs her golden locks for this is nae that kind o' tale.
At first Hector an' Maria were as happy as the day's lang traivellin as they were in the bonnie Buchan but Maria teen intae her mind that she'd like tae ging sooth an' see her ain hantle for a while. So Hector packed up their chattery and swung it ontae his doomy an' they baith set fit tae the sooth.
As they crossed the Slugg at the ither side o' Banchory and made their wye doon tae the Howe o' the Mairns Hector began tae feel uneasy for this wiz a strange land tae him. The country hantle here aboots werenae like the ruchies he wiz used tae they were dour gadgies faa deeked at ye as if ye were a lump o' jeer stickin tae their tychies, the collichs were as bad an' even Maria faa manged in the same sing sang wye as themsels found it hard goin tae get a crust o' breed oot o' the queer hantle.
Onywye they eventually made it as far as Blairgowrie whar Maria’s hantle were campit an' whit an eye opener they were tae poor Hector. They were the biggest bunch o' corrichs he ivver did see, an' sleekit god-ova-jumpin jeasus were they sleekit! He wint in amongst them as a sheepy tae the slaachter, God love him his poor heedie wiz rockin fae side tae side an' his yakies were dancin in their sockets at the cairryon o' this bunch o' moichers. Almost as soon as he took the pack fae his doomy Maria’s aalest brither started pointin at Hector an' laachin at him sayin, “Whar did ye get the big panny fae wi' the reed chackers, ye could've surely gotten a better goorie than that crater!”
He wiz deekin tae mowdie Hector an' made a breenge at him tae gie him the sleekit peelach wi' its tychie intae the ballicks but Hector wiz faster and grabbit him by the thrapple an' shook him like a loochy afore throwin him doon wi' a scud ontae the grun. Maria’s brither got a bonnie shock at the strength o' Hector an' scuttled awa wi' its tail atween its bowsie leggies athoot a word. The rest o' the faimily made on that it wis terrible fit hid jist happened but their mock ootrage at Maria's brither didnae fool Hector ava he kent fine by their yaks that they were tellin hochies and that if the chavie hid gotten the better o' him he wid at this very minute be getting his cunt kicked in by the whole lot o' them.
But bein o' forgiven kind o' nature and nae wantin tae hud a cairryon Hector made licht o't even though the anger wiz soor tae swally.
Later on that nicht aifter he pitched the camp and set things tae right he noticed that Maria wiz gye door like.
“Whit's wrang wi' ye dilly yer affa quate?”
She deeked at him wi' sic anger that he wiz fare teen aback.
“Whit's wrang wi' ma?”
Her chackers were twisted wi' hatred.
“Whit's wrang wi' ma? Fine dae ye ken whit's wrang wi' ma an' you treatin ma brither in that wye!”
Hector couldnae understand this an' says,
“But yer brither made a breenge at me and tried tae kick ma in the gowls!”
Maria put her haanies ontae her hippies.
“Oh aye but did ye need tae shaak him like a loochy an' mak a panny o' him in front o' aabody buck's fuck!”
Hector held up his haans.
“Stall Maria stall, whit wiz I supposed tae dae staan an' let him pit ma ballicks up ma throat wi' a kick?”
Her chackers twisted even mair.
“Aye ye should've left him be, it wid've been mair o' a man o' ye if ye hid done!”
Hector wint awa shaakin his heed at this, he'd ging doon tae the burn for a drap waater maybe Maria wid hae calmed doon by the time he come back up. That wiz their first real argument but by Christ it wisnae tae be their last fae that day on she did ivverything in her power tae connter ivvery single thing he did or said. There wisnae one day passed athoot him gettin the chackers moolied aff him, nicht or day he got nae peace ava. He began tae hate the sound o' his ain name for she ayee shouted on him in a high pitched voice.
“Hector, Hector whar are ye buck's fuck!”
He could hear the burst o' laughter fae her faimily and that stuck in his thrapple but he jist let it be for they were moichers onywye
Day aifter day he'd ging tae the burn for waans for tae mak baskets it keepit him oot o' the road. Ither Traivellers wid come inaboot and hae a news wi' him as he sat at the burnside makin cowies, mair aften than nae he'd be askit inaboot tae their fires for a bite tae haa. That wis something
else that struck him as odd aboot Maria's faimily he'd nivver yet seen anither Nyak come inaboot tae their fire nor hid he seen ony o' them at onybody's fire apart fae their ain. They seemed tae be shunned by the ither Nyaks.
Maria's mither wiz a fine collich but the poor manishee got an affa life wi' the gadgie for he peeved like a fish and thocht nithing o' giein her a good paggerin fin he wiz in cups. Hector liked her and wid aften get a good news wi' her aroon the fire fin the rest o' the pannys were avree. She came fae the north like himsel so he could tell her aboot the Nyaks up that wye and it ended up that he kent her nestmort an' nestle weel for they ayee campit aboot the Brunty at the hill o' Knaven. The last time she'd seed her mither an' faither wiz aboot the time o' the birth o' her aldest laddie Donald an' him near twenty years ald.
She wiz a gye poor deekin mort the poor crater wis deeved wi' the gadgie an' her kinchins were neen better for they seemed tae hae the same nature as their nestle and were ivvery bit as sleekit as he wiz. There wiz five o' a faimily four gaidies and Maria faa wiz the youngest yin.
Hector janned by noo that she hid the same twisted bit in her as the rest, since arrivin at Blairgowrie that coorse bit hid fairly come tae the fore. But Hector bein the forgivin soul that he wiz still loved Maria and tried ivverything in his power tae mak her happy but och min he wiz fechtin a losin battle.
Aathing came tae a heed yin day fin Hector wint doon tae the burn whar he made his baskets, he'd a fair doze ready for the sellin but fin he got there nae a one could he find.
“Jumpin jeasus somebody hid chored the fuckin lot”!
He wint back up tae the camp and tellt Maria but she didnae seem neen pit oot wi' this an' jist said they must be lyin aboot somewye. Normally if something like this happened she wid've been vowin vengeance wi' the slaivers fleein fae her moiy, but she seemed affa calm aboot it aa. An' the 'they'll be lyin aboot somewye' bit made him winder. Aye they were lyin aboot somewye richt enough for fin he passed her father's camp he could see them inside. Naebody seemed tae gee their ging aboot his deekin them but nae wantin tae embarrass onybody he wint back and manged tae Maria aboot fit he'd deeked.
Well she got richt ontae her high horsie wi' him wi' its haanies ontae its hippies, a gesture that Hector hid come tae jan too weel wi' the passin o' the months.
“Wha dae ye think ye are buck's fuck caain my honest aal faither a thief, ma poor aal faither faa's bin nithing but good tae ye!”
The noise she set up brocht her faimily in aboot an' shannish shannish they were fair teen aback at Hector's allegation. Oh sic a noise they set up and her father, the bad done till poor crater, manged that the baskets were made by his ain fammils and it wiz affa that he should think that he'd chore them fae him. Its chackeries were affa sad an' it put on a coconut moothy, the poor crater. Hector shrugged and said he wiz sorry but he'd thocht they were his an' that somebody else must've teen his chats.
Noo things could've been aricht at this moment if the slummin jookles hid been left tae lie, if Hector hid been allowed tae walk awa he wid've jist wint doon tae the burn and made a puckle mair baskets. He janned fine they were his ain makin for Maria's father couldnae tie a bit o' tow let alone mak a basket nor could his breed seed an' generation eether. But it wisnae tae be for Maria's brithers said for caain their aal father a thief they were gan tae kick his cunt in!
As yin they made a darry at Hector tae gie him a good touchin. At first Hector did weel against them mowdien them left richt and centre but at fower tae one he didnae staan muckle o' a chance especially yince the faither jined in ana wi' the sleekit peelachs fae ahin. Hector wint doon tae his knee still fechtin like big guns but the amount o' wullts he wiz takin wiz too much even for him and fin the aldest brither got tae land the kick that he'd tried that very first nicht then that wiz it, wi' his ballicks rammed up intae his guts Hector wiz oot o' it. They then set aboot him wi' their tychies and gaed him a funny latherin. Maria's owld mither tried tae stop them but the gadgie gaed her a good tankin for her troubles. If it hiddnae been for the ither Traivellers commin inaboot tae pit a stop tae it Hector wid've been kicked tae death. As it wiz he very nearly crockit but it wiz the Stewarts fae Blair that saved his life by takin him back tae their ain camp and nursin him back tae health wi' plenty good habbin and rest. Maria wiz neen pit oot by fit hid happened in fact she'd enjoyed seein him getting his tatties.
“The big reed chackered buck's fuck that he wiz!”
It wis commin on the end o' Summer and the days were getting shorter by the time Hector wiz up and aboot but och min he wiz still gye sair aboot the banes, the swallin in his gowls wiz still there but nae so big noo, for a while they'd been the size seagulls yarries and them aa black and blae. He hirrpled aboot the camp like an' owld goorie usin a bit o' hazel for a walkin stick fair afeart tae let his ballicks touch his breeks.
He couldnae get ower how good the Stewarts were tae him and he felt fair shan wi' the amount o' habbin they plied him wi' God bless them they were fine hantle.
But he wiz a young strong chavie and soon made a full recovery ballicks ana, he still bade aboot the Stewart's camp though intae a wee cowie that they'd given him for himsel for he kent fine that he'd nae be welcome at his ain yin. Some nichts Maria wid shout doon tae him.
“Hector, Hector come and get yer tatties!”
He'd hear them aa laachin at this and some o' her brithers wid invite him up tae get anither doze o' the lather cove!
Weeks later he wis sittin at the fire bilin some waans fin faa should come inaboot but Maria. Hector nodded an' says,
“Well dilly how are ye daein?”
She coochted hersel doon and says, “Nae bad Hector but I'm missin ye something shan!”
Weel the lang an' the short o't he bings back wi' Maria for the draw o' the peecht his cost men their very kingdoms an empires let alone a Traiveller chavie wantin a dottle and against aa common sense he wint yince again intae the fray wi' his heedie fair rockin, and even her faimily seemed pleased aboot him bingin back. Nivver a word wiz whudded aboot the cairryon but Hector janned even though he wiz loved up and nae seein clearly that if he turned his back on ony o' them he'd get the coordie lick as quick as deek at ye. But the coordie lick wisnae destined tae come fae the goorie nor his gaidies the real peelach wid come fae Maria and it happened this wye.
Him an' her were sittin at their fire yin nicht fin Hector says tae her that the morn he'd mak a good puckle baskets for tae sell intae the toon. The remark wiz innocent jist a man mangin tae his wife nithing mair nor less but Maria jumpit tae her tramplers an' put the haanies tae her hippies and she started ontae him.
“Whit are ye sayin, are ye hintin aboot the baskets again ye big fuckin useless bastard, wid ye be deekin for anither tankin!”
She pointed ower her shooder,
“Aa I need dee is shout for ma brithers and they'll come and kick the livin shite oot o' ye, is that fit yer wantin; wid that quatin ye doon again ye reed chackered bastard!”
Hector tried tae calm her doon for she wiz as moich as a loupin loochy ontae a hot stane. But na na she widnae stop giein him his character that low the very cats widnae lick his bleed. Seein he wisnae risin tae the bait she screamed,
“I dinna need ma brithers tae mowdie you I'm capable o' daein that ye big coordie usless cunt!”
So sayin she picked up the poker for the fire and mowdied him fair square ontae the test. Hector nae expectin it howled like a guffy an put his fammils tae his broo.
“God fuckin jumpin jeemity jeasus christ ye fuckin white livered bastard ye've caad the brains oot o' ma test!”
She raised it tae strike again but her mither intervened and teen the poker fae her fammil an' gaed her a backhaan wullt across the moiy.
The bleed wis fleein fae Hector's crump but the aal woman managed tae get it stoppit, she wis bonnie and glaid tae see it wiz jist the skin that wiz broken an' nae his brainbox exposed. Maria huddin her peelached moiy started accusin her mither o' takin up wi' Hector caain her a clatty owld blirt.
Hector deeked at her yaks and kent weel she wiz corrich and the words o' the Nyakins on the day he mairried her came back tae haunt him. He shuddered for she gaed him the creeps how could he ivver hae loved that baigle. Thankin Maria's mither for sortin his mowdied mallum he packed up his wee bit things and left nivver tae return. Maria’s mockin cacklin rang oot and follied him doon the road like a bell tolled for a funeral.
* * * *
Many many years later, some said fifty, Maria wis hawkin some keezers but the pickins were gie sma. It wiz a strange bit o' the country tae her nivver afore hid she ventured this far north and the hantle hereaboots were naen ower freendly tae a croochty owld Nyakin collich like hersel. In the distance she deekit a big mansion hoose through the trees and she manged tae her naggins,
“Well dilly yer chackers are startin tae haa there ainsel wi' the hunger I'll see if I can spraach a tightner fae the big keer!”
So Maria made her wye up the lang drive tae the mansion keezer, she bung roon the back like a leppichy tae the kitchen jigger an' gaed a loud chap.
There wiz a windae open and the smell o' habbin cookin gaed roon her hert like a hairy worm slaivers started fleein fae her moiy and she hid tae dicht her chin o' the juices.
The jigger opened and a goorie stood there bewigged and wearin a yella coat wi' knee length breeches silk stockins fae the knee doon and leather tychies wi' silver buckle on them.
“Yes madam what can I do for you?”
'Oh shannish shannish' she thocht tae hersel the goorie's mangin panloaf an' it wi' its fancy tuggery on its hump. This wiz the first time in aa her life that she'd ivver been caad 'Madam' she wiz mair used tae 'Ye tink hooer' or in some cases 'Fuck off ye cyaardy bastard' oh shannish shannish she didnae jan fit tae mang.
So Maria did a wee curtsy and said,
“I wiz winderin kind sir if ye've gotten a wee morsel for ma mooth for I've been on the lang weary road athoot a bite or a sup for days!”
Normally it wiz at this point ye could get chased for yer very life wi' the threats ringin at yer back aboot settin the jookles ontae ye so she wiz ready tae nash avree. But instead o' threatenin hell's jookles he calmly tellt her tae bide faar she wiz. She rubbed her fammils an' muttered,
“Bonnie an' fine!”
She'd visions o' the goorie bingin oot wi' a parcel o' habbin an' the grease drippin fae it, god jeasus she could taste it noo an' she lickit her lips reed raw wi' anticipation.
A few minutes later the goorie re-appeared an' said,
“Come inside madam his Lordship awaits.”
'Whit!' Thocht Maria. 'Whit's the corrich mangin?
She wiz that disappointed the chavie didnae hae a parcel for her, then here's the panny sayin that the Laird awaits!
She managed tae ganch oot some words.
“Na na laddie I'm nae deekin tae see ony toff goorie aa that I'm spraachin is a wee bit habbin for ma hungered moiy!”
The gadgie didnae ken a word that wiz said tae him but he got the drift o't wi' her tone and he reassured her that the Lord always met in person any itinerant tinsmiths that should call before he'd allow them to dine.
Trash kind but the hunger getting the better o' her she wint wi' the gaidie.
He lead her through the kitchen wi' aa the fine habbin set oot,she thocht on gobblin a spawll o' something on the wye past in case the goorie wiz makin a moicher oot o' her and wiz gan tae kick her oot o' anither door but she managed tae control it especially fin she deekit the soor faced mort standin pipin ivvery fit faa her bachled tychies made on the flooer.
The servant dillies were fair sweatin rinnin back an' forritt wi' trays laden wi' the finest deekin habbin she ivver did set a yak upon.
Up through the massive stairway he led her wi' flooers sparklin like glaiss, they were that bonnie she felt shan aboot walkin ontae them wi' her clatty tramples. The waas were hung wi' tapestries and great big ile paintins o' hantle wi' soor deekin chackers. Fin they reached the tap o' the stairs he led her alang a lobby that must've been haaf o' a league lang and dizzens o' big jiggers aff each side. Eventually he stopped at yin o' the doors bowed and swung it open for her,
“Would madam please enter!”
He gave anither wee bow and doused the jigger ahin her.
As she stepped intae the room her knees near buckled ablow her for it wis fulled wi' toff hantle sittin doon tae dine at a table that must've teen twentysiven trees tae mak. The cowie creaked aneth the weicht o' aa the habbin, there wiz whole guffies wi' aipples up their jeers, fish six fit lang an roasted pheasants wi' feathers still on them, morakins by the stane, there wiz whole kybochs o' kessom an' pruskies by the pun an' bottles an' bottles o' peeve, ma haan tae the heavens may God strick ma stone deed if I tell a hochy.
“ Oh me oh me!” she groaned. She nearly nashed avree and wid've done if the big toff goorie sittin at the tap o' the table hidnae stood up an' invited her tae sit doon. He snapped his fingers at anither chavie wearin the wig an' the yella coat the same as the ither yin an' ordered him tae lay a place for their visitor.
Soon space wiz made in amongst the toff collichs and Maria coochted hersel doon, the manishees sittin near tae her gasped as the toich rose fae her for she wiz hummin. Maria janned this an' felt affa shan because even though she wiz a clatty baigle she did hae a wee bit o' pride aboot her.
A plate o' habin wiz layed doon in front o' her that wid've choakit a guffy stone stiff starin deed. She deekit aboot her as the ither hantle used forks an' knives tae haa wi' there wiz a raa o' them in front o' her but she'd nae a clue tae fit cowies tae use. The only thing she'd ivver used tae pit habbin intae her moiy wiz a widden spoon an' that only if she got a bowlie o' soup or stew, onything else wiz haad wi' her fammils. That wiz the only clean thing aboot her fae the pints o' her fingers tae the second knuckle wiz sookit pure white the rest o' her wiz barkit o' dirt.
The collich sittin nearest her must've janned fit wiz wrang and pointed tae the fork an' knife she wiz meant tae use. Maria managed a “Thank you yer laddieship!”
The collich smiled an' some o' the ither hantle sniggered at this but she peyed nae heed tae them and started haain her habbin, she boagged hersel in the lip wi' the panny fork an' nearly let oot a string o' curses but thocht better o't. She wiz dyin tae get her fammils intae the habin but some o' the hantle wiz pipin her so she carried on wi' the fork an' knife. She made a slubberin sound as she haad for half her teeth were missin an' them that wiz left were nithing but blaik stumps so she rummled the meat aboot her moiy makin the maist affa sookin sounds. The goorie at the tap o' the table ordered a goblet of wine tae be brought tae her an' she drained it in twa swallies wipin her moiy wi' the back o' her fammil an' gaed it a shaak spirkin the toff collich aside her wi' grease, reed wine and mair than a drappy pure clatt The manishee gagged and tried tae wipe the worst o't aff but the black chattery that wiz part o' Maria widnae move, it wiz like ink. Reek fae a lifetime o' broom fires hid created the clatt and nae fancy hanky wiz gan tae taak that aff! Anither gobblet o' wine doon her thrapple an' Maria wiz aheedin whar she wiz. She wis baad aboot the collich's tuggery by the deeks o't it could weel afoord tae buy mair silks an' satins. She'd maybe mang the collich later for some owld tatts or ither feechles lyin aboot the place. Her thochts were interupted fin a voice said.
“Tell me madam whereabouts do you hail from?”
This wiz fae the goorie sittin at the heed o' the table so Maria wint intae the biggest doze o' prechums that she could mak up in the spurr o' the moment. She'd the hantle believin she wiz the deposed queen o' the Gypsys an' that her queendome hid been teen fae her by cruel Tinkers and that nae weeks afore she'd been the bonniest lassie that a man could set e'e upon, but she'd been cursed by the cruel cruel tinkers and this is how they left her tae wander as an owld croochty clatty hagg for as lang as water rins an' green grass growes. Some o' the collichs fair believed her an' were affa sympathetic some even askin if there wiz a counter curse.
Maria couldnae believe her luck so she tellt the hantle there wiz nae coonter spell or naen that she kent o' but that the spell hidnae worked as good as intended and she'd been left wi' the gift o' tellin fortunes.
Noo manishees baith rich or poor like their fortunes tellt so she deeked a wye o' makin some lowie tae hersel and so it proved.
The big Lord goorie helped her by suggesting she set up shop in one of the anti-rooms off the dinning area and the ladies who wanted their fortunes told should go in one at a time.
The room wiz set and Maria coochted hersel doon wafftin the clattiest toich fae her person that hung on the air like like a smelly mist, and for the next twa oors she'd a steady stream o' manishees bingin oot an' in each yin giein her a coin o' gold for accordin tae Maria that wiz much better than the silver coins asked for by normal fortune tellers for wiz she nae a queen in her ain right and hid the gift. One poor dilly hid tae be cairried oot fae the room because she fainted aifter she boaked her puddins up at the smell in the close confined wee room. A windae wiz opened an' some scent wiz scattered aboot tae freshin the room but Maria's scent wiz better than theirs so mair expensive chattery got squirted tae hide it. The collichs naen too pit oot at the poich parted wi' the gold as if they were sclate stanes this toff manishees were even mair gullible than the simple servant lassies she wiz used tae. Nae yin tae miss a heaven sent opportunity she milked it for aa it wiz worth and soon she'd a tidy pile o' coins, even one or twa o' the goories bung in an' sat wi' their moiys open listinin tae aa the jeer that they were tellt an' they parted wi' their loore even faster than the collichs. As aa this wiz gan on the Laird gadgie wiz in knotts at the green look ontae the manishee's chackers fin they come oot o' the room, the tears were blinin him.
Eventually though Maria came tae the end for there wiz naebody else tae drooker till so she sat coontin the pile o' lowie mutterin tae her naggins “Shanni shanni shanni shannish!!!” Her yakies were stairin at the gowd wi' pure greed burnin intae her very soul. She deeked up as the jigger o' the wee room opened and faa should come in but the big goorie fae the heed o' the table and sat himsel doon and smiled.
“Well madam have you had a good day?”
There wiz something affa familiar aboot that smile, she wracked her brains as tae faar she'd seen it afore but tae nae avail.
“Yes your lairdship!” Wiz aa she could manage for the goorie wiz deekin at her in a queer kind o' wye. “Oh shannish shannish” she thocht.
“ Maybe the goorie wants tae rootle ma!”
As this thocht crossed her mind she shrank back for she wiz getting trash noo so she deeked aboot for something at haan tae bleach the goorie if he put a fammil ontae her but nae a thing could she find.
She wiz trapped, this goorie's gan tae hae his wye wi' her. The only weapon she hid wiz her pile o' coins so she intended tae blin him wi' them and nash avree as quick as her owld trammplers could cairry her. But he nivver moved he jist keepit on smilin it wiz as if he kent fit wiz gan through her mind.
“Dae ye nae mind on ma Maria?”
Her yaks near popped oot o' her heed wi' the shock o' hearin the toff goorie mangin her name.
“How dae ye ken my name?”
She started howlin,
“Ahhh the goorie's intae the black airt he's in tow wi' owld nick himsel ahhh mee ahhh me, how else wid he jan ma name ahh god a jeasus!”
The hot pish an' jeer wiz fleein fae her as she emptied hersel there an' then.
He started laachin at this but it wiz a panny laach almost the kinks for he laached fae the back o' his thrapple, choich choich choich a gasp o' breath then choich choich choich again. Aifter a while he managed tae get himsel under some kind o' control and said,
“God bless us dilly ye surley jan ma, it is me Hector!”
Maria slid doon tae the flooer slidin intae her ain teemins an' manged, “No no no it canna be for my Hector's been deed this past fifty years or mair he wiz trailed awa tae sea by buccaneers an' wiz nivver seed upon this earth again!”
Surprisingly Maria broke intae floods o' tears an' she looked up at him wi' a pair o' yaks as reed as a coo's goosie an' sobbin fit tae braak her hert.
“Dinnae be sae cruel tae ma for I've punished masel enough for whit I did tae Hector!”
Runnles o' clean skin wiz left whar the saat tears hid run, she wis pitiful sicht as she sat coorien on the flooer her wee clatty clooties covered in jeer an' sloosh held ticht aboot hersel, she started chanterin tae hersel and rockin back an' forritt. She didnae see the love saafen the owld goories e'en.
“Maria it is me! Hector,!”
She set up wailin,
“Na na Hector's lang deed oh me oh me!”
“But it is me, deek this will prove it!”
He flipped the hair fae his broo and said,
“Dae ye mind fin ye mowdied ma on the test wi' the poker!”
Sure enough the livid scar wiz still there on his broo aifter aa the years gin by.
Later he tellt her the whole story o' fit hid happened an' how he'd been gobbled avree by buccaneers and hid sailed the siven seas chorin treasure fae the Spaniards. He'd come back tae Scotland an affa wealthy man and hid bocht the big hoose and the title tae go w't and noo aa he needed wiz a lady at his side, a lady o' the road, his ain lang lost Maria.
THE NASH AVREE.
THE PAGGERED TEST
Once upon a time whin guffies were swine and skunkies chowed tabbaca there wis a Traivellin couple decided tae get hitched.
Noo the time that I'm writin aboot wid be ower a twa hunder years ago an' in them days nae Nyakin wid go onywye near a priest nor minister for the fear o' bein pittin intae the stardy jist for bein a Traiveller.
The religious hantle were that sleekit at the time an' they hated onybody they couldnae subdue especially the Traiveller.
Onywye; the Nyaks didnae need the priest nor minister tae fauld clooties or kiss crossies for them tae mairry for they hid their ain wye o' tyin the knot. The ceremony wiz simple as can be, a shaft o' broom wid be held abeen a camp fire an' the couple tae wed wid be made tae jump ower the broom as they held haans. At the ither side o the fire a pail wid be set waitin. First the dilly wid hae a sloosh intae it then the gaidie wid dee the same, then yin o' the aaler men wid tak the pail an sweel the sloosh aboot an' declare tae aabody present that if ony man or woman could separate the sloosh then the weddin nivver wiz.
But onywye afore oor young couple wint through the ceremony some o' the ither Traivellers teen the chavie aside and manged tae him that the dilly he wiz aboot tae mairry come aff shan hantle renowned far an' near for bein affa white livered. It wiz said that they'd tak a lump oot o' yer livin flesh an' deek intae yer chackers an' laach as they did it, but the chavie widnae listen tae good counsel for he wiz that loved up at the thocht o' haein a collich o' his ain.
Therefore the ceremony completed an' the twa o' them recognised as bein mairried in amongst the Nyaks onywye if nae in the yaks o' the kirk they sat doon tae dine on a bowlfae o' sloorach an' tae weet their wheeples on the reed reed wine.
Some o' the ither Traivellers deekin on mutterd among themsels that the dilly wiz gan tae mak the poor chavie clour fit wisnae itchy an' gie him tammy-come-aroochtum once she bung among her ain hantle again.
One aal collich manged.
“ Oh shannish shannish that poor gaidie's gan tae get the chackers moolied aff his skull bain wi' that wee mort for she'll turn like her hantle intae a pure whitlivered moicher”!
Makin the sign o' the cross for dramatic effect she manged in a voice that wid've made a monk tak dropsy.
“ God- bless -us -an' -save -us -aa”!
She near fell intae a swoon an' hid tae get a restorative o' the reed reed wine forced nae unwillingly doon her thrapple. The poor owld crater it's lippy wiz fair tremmblin wi' the exertion but aifter aboot a half gallon o' wine it come tee an' set up a low mutterin sound then it broke intae channterin a pebroch for the poor wee gaidie.
But onywye the owld collich aside Hector an' Maria were given gifts fae the ither Traivellers. A Callendar pot wi' three feeties, a jockey and a stand o' chitties for their cookin, a good wup o' canvas for makin their bow-camp and a twar or three blankets made o' hamespun for tae sleep upon. That wiz them set ontae life's course him at the age o' fourteen or there aboots and her at the age o' sixteen.
For a start things wint weel for them, Hector wiz a dab haan at the makin o' the baskets, he could fashion the bonniest cowies ye ivver did see oot o' the waans that grew far an' near. Maria on the ither haan wiz good at spraachin habin fae the keezers an' could drooker as weel as ony aaler collich young though she wiz. They traivelled the braid lans o' the bonnie Buchan campin as the fancy teen them. As far as the yak could pipe the land wiz theirs for the takin.
Ye see the country hantle o' the Buchan were on the whole nae too bad tae the Nyakins an' them bein affa superstitious hantle they'd nivver pit a Traiveller awa fae their grun for it wiz thocht at that time good luck if ye were favoured by a visit fae the Tinkies. Mind ye aa ruchs werenae like that, some were gye coorse bastards an' widnae hae the 'fool tink hooers' aboot the place. That yins though were few an' far atween an' ony ruchies that were too hard on the Nyaks could find themsels getting the “Come hither” pit upon them!
Three straws teen fae the thack abeen their jigger an' brunt wid pit the evil yak ontae them for siven years and a day, either that or the Bainshee could be summoned tae sing for them drivin them pure moich wi' the fear. Or their cattle could be made tae dry up an' ony milk aboot the place ging soor as rowans, the very grun could be bleached clear o' life so that nae one blade o' grass or crawlin beastie wid be seen upon the grun nor a bird fae the sky flee abeen it for siven lang years! A bad ruch could get one or the lot happen tae him it aa depended how coorse the fucker wiz tae the Nyaks.
Whit truth there is in the three straws I canna weel say and I honestly widdnae like tae find oot but there are stories; aye stories that wid mak the very hairs in the back o' yer crump staan straicht up, stories that if tellt ye wid rob a budy o' a decent slum for weeks tae come if I tellt them that is. But I winna dae that here for this story is aboot Hector and Maria and nae bainshee will sing tae ye as she combs her golden locks for this is nae that kind o' tale.
At first Hector an' Maria were as happy as the day's lang traivellin as they were in the bonnie Buchan but Maria teen intae her mind that she'd like tae ging sooth an' see her ain hantle for a while. So Hector packed up their chattery and swung it ontae his doomy an' they baith set fit tae the sooth.
As they crossed the Slugg at the ither side o' Banchory and made their wye doon tae the Howe o' the Mairns Hector began tae feel uneasy for this wiz a strange land tae him. The country hantle here aboots werenae like the ruchies he wiz used tae they were dour gadgies faa deeked at ye as if ye were a lump o' jeer stickin tae their tychies, the collichs were as bad an' even Maria faa manged in the same sing sang wye as themsels found it hard goin tae get a crust o' breed oot o' the queer hantle.
Onywye they eventually made it as far as Blairgowrie whar Maria’s hantle were campit an' whit an eye opener they were tae poor Hector. They were the biggest bunch o' corrichs he ivver did see, an' sleekit god-ova-jumpin jeasus were they sleekit! He wint in amongst them as a sheepy tae the slaachter, God love him his poor heedie wiz rockin fae side tae side an' his yakies were dancin in their sockets at the cairryon o' this bunch o' moichers. Almost as soon as he took the pack fae his doomy Maria’s aalest brither started pointin at Hector an' laachin at him sayin, “Whar did ye get the big panny fae wi' the reed chackers, ye could've surely gotten a better goorie than that crater!”
He wiz deekin tae mowdie Hector an' made a breenge at him tae gie him the sleekit peelach wi' its tychie intae the ballicks but Hector wiz faster and grabbit him by the thrapple an' shook him like a loochy afore throwin him doon wi' a scud ontae the grun. Maria’s brither got a bonnie shock at the strength o' Hector an' scuttled awa wi' its tail atween its bowsie leggies athoot a word. The rest o' the faimily made on that it wis terrible fit hid jist happened but their mock ootrage at Maria's brither didnae fool Hector ava he kent fine by their yaks that they were tellin hochies and that if the chavie hid gotten the better o' him he wid at this very minute be getting his cunt kicked in by the whole lot o' them.
But bein o' forgiven kind o' nature and nae wantin tae hud a cairryon Hector made licht o't even though the anger wiz soor tae swally.
Later on that nicht aifter he pitched the camp and set things tae right he noticed that Maria wiz gye door like.
“Whit's wrang wi' ye dilly yer affa quate?”
She deeked at him wi' sic anger that he wiz fare teen aback.
“Whit's wrang wi' ma?”
Her chackers were twisted wi' hatred.
“Whit's wrang wi' ma? Fine dae ye ken whit's wrang wi' ma an' you treatin ma brither in that wye!”
Hector couldnae understand this an' says,
“But yer brither made a breenge at me and tried tae kick ma in the gowls!”
Maria put her haanies ontae her hippies.
“Oh aye but did ye need tae shaak him like a loochy an' mak a panny o' him in front o' aabody buck's fuck!”
Hector held up his haans.
“Stall Maria stall, whit wiz I supposed tae dae staan an' let him pit ma ballicks up ma throat wi' a kick?”
Her chackers twisted even mair.
“Aye ye should've left him be, it wid've been mair o' a man o' ye if ye hid done!”
Hector wint awa shaakin his heed at this, he'd ging doon tae the burn for a drap waater maybe Maria wid hae calmed doon by the time he come back up. That wiz their first real argument but by Christ it wisnae tae be their last fae that day on she did ivverything in her power tae connter ivvery single thing he did or said. There wisnae one day passed athoot him gettin the chackers moolied aff him, nicht or day he got nae peace ava. He began tae hate the sound o' his ain name for she ayee shouted on him in a high pitched voice.
“Hector, Hector whar are ye buck's fuck!”
He could hear the burst o' laughter fae her faimily and that stuck in his thrapple but he jist let it be for they were moichers onywye
Day aifter day he'd ging tae the burn for waans for tae mak baskets it keepit him oot o' the road. Ither Traivellers wid come inaboot and hae a news wi' him as he sat at the burnside makin cowies, mair aften than nae he'd be askit inaboot tae their fires for a bite tae haa. That wis something
else that struck him as odd aboot Maria's faimily he'd nivver yet seen anither Nyak come inaboot tae their fire nor hid he seen ony o' them at onybody's fire apart fae their ain. They seemed tae be shunned by the ither Nyaks.
Maria's mither wiz a fine collich but the poor manishee got an affa life wi' the gadgie for he peeved like a fish and thocht nithing o' giein her a good paggerin fin he wiz in cups. Hector liked her and wid aften get a good news wi' her aroon the fire fin the rest o' the pannys were avree. She came fae the north like himsel so he could tell her aboot the Nyaks up that wye and it ended up that he kent her nestmort an' nestle weel for they ayee campit aboot the Brunty at the hill o' Knaven. The last time she'd seed her mither an' faither wiz aboot the time o' the birth o' her aldest laddie Donald an' him near twenty years ald.
She wiz a gye poor deekin mort the poor crater wis deeved wi' the gadgie an' her kinchins were neen better for they seemed tae hae the same nature as their nestle and were ivvery bit as sleekit as he wiz. There wiz five o' a faimily four gaidies and Maria faa wiz the youngest yin.
Hector janned by noo that she hid the same twisted bit in her as the rest, since arrivin at Blairgowrie that coorse bit hid fairly come tae the fore. But Hector bein the forgivin soul that he wiz still loved Maria and tried ivverything in his power tae mak her happy but och min he wiz fechtin a losin battle.
Aathing came tae a heed yin day fin Hector wint doon tae the burn whar he made his baskets, he'd a fair doze ready for the sellin but fin he got there nae a one could he find.
“Jumpin jeasus somebody hid chored the fuckin lot”!
He wint back up tae the camp and tellt Maria but she didnae seem neen pit oot wi' this an' jist said they must be lyin aboot somewye. Normally if something like this happened she wid've been vowin vengeance wi' the slaivers fleein fae her moiy, but she seemed affa calm aboot it aa. An' the 'they'll be lyin aboot somewye' bit made him winder. Aye they were lyin aboot somewye richt enough for fin he passed her father's camp he could see them inside. Naebody seemed tae gee their ging aboot his deekin them but nae wantin tae embarrass onybody he wint back and manged tae Maria aboot fit he'd deeked.
Well she got richt ontae her high horsie wi' him wi' its haanies ontae its hippies, a gesture that Hector hid come tae jan too weel wi' the passin o' the months.
“Wha dae ye think ye are buck's fuck caain my honest aal faither a thief, ma poor aal faither faa's bin nithing but good tae ye!”
The noise she set up brocht her faimily in aboot an' shannish shannish they were fair teen aback at Hector's allegation. Oh sic a noise they set up and her father, the bad done till poor crater, manged that the baskets were made by his ain fammils and it wiz affa that he should think that he'd chore them fae him. Its chackeries were affa sad an' it put on a coconut moothy, the poor crater. Hector shrugged and said he wiz sorry but he'd thocht they were his an' that somebody else must've teen his chats.
Noo things could've been aricht at this moment if the slummin jookles hid been left tae lie, if Hector hid been allowed tae walk awa he wid've jist wint doon tae the burn and made a puckle mair baskets. He janned fine they were his ain makin for Maria's father couldnae tie a bit o' tow let alone mak a basket nor could his breed seed an' generation eether. But it wisnae tae be for Maria's brithers said for caain their aal father a thief they were gan tae kick his cunt in!
As yin they made a darry at Hector tae gie him a good touchin. At first Hector did weel against them mowdien them left richt and centre but at fower tae one he didnae staan muckle o' a chance especially yince the faither jined in ana wi' the sleekit peelachs fae ahin. Hector wint doon tae his knee still fechtin like big guns but the amount o' wullts he wiz takin wiz too much even for him and fin the aldest brither got tae land the kick that he'd tried that very first nicht then that wiz it, wi' his ballicks rammed up intae his guts Hector wiz oot o' it. They then set aboot him wi' their tychies and gaed him a funny latherin. Maria's owld mither tried tae stop them but the gadgie gaed her a good tankin for her troubles. If it hiddnae been for the ither Traivellers commin inaboot tae pit a stop tae it Hector wid've been kicked tae death. As it wiz he very nearly crockit but it wiz the Stewarts fae Blair that saved his life by takin him back tae their ain camp and nursin him back tae health wi' plenty good habbin and rest. Maria wiz neen pit oot by fit hid happened in fact she'd enjoyed seein him getting his tatties.
“The big reed chackered buck's fuck that he wiz!”
It wis commin on the end o' Summer and the days were getting shorter by the time Hector wiz up and aboot but och min he wiz still gye sair aboot the banes, the swallin in his gowls wiz still there but nae so big noo, for a while they'd been the size seagulls yarries and them aa black and blae. He hirrpled aboot the camp like an' owld goorie usin a bit o' hazel for a walkin stick fair afeart tae let his ballicks touch his breeks.
He couldnae get ower how good the Stewarts were tae him and he felt fair shan wi' the amount o' habbin they plied him wi' God bless them they were fine hantle.
But he wiz a young strong chavie and soon made a full recovery ballicks ana, he still bade aboot the Stewart's camp though intae a wee cowie that they'd given him for himsel for he kent fine that he'd nae be welcome at his ain yin. Some nichts Maria wid shout doon tae him.
“Hector, Hector come and get yer tatties!”
He'd hear them aa laachin at this and some o' her brithers wid invite him up tae get anither doze o' the lather cove!
Weeks later he wis sittin at the fire bilin some waans fin faa should come inaboot but Maria. Hector nodded an' says,
“Well dilly how are ye daein?”
She coochted hersel doon and says, “Nae bad Hector but I'm missin ye something shan!”
Weel the lang an' the short o't he bings back wi' Maria for the draw o' the peecht his cost men their very kingdoms an empires let alone a Traiveller chavie wantin a dottle and against aa common sense he wint yince again intae the fray wi' his heedie fair rockin, and even her faimily seemed pleased aboot him bingin back. Nivver a word wiz whudded aboot the cairryon but Hector janned even though he wiz loved up and nae seein clearly that if he turned his back on ony o' them he'd get the coordie lick as quick as deek at ye. But the coordie lick wisnae destined tae come fae the goorie nor his gaidies the real peelach wid come fae Maria and it happened this wye.
Him an' her were sittin at their fire yin nicht fin Hector says tae her that the morn he'd mak a good puckle baskets for tae sell intae the toon. The remark wiz innocent jist a man mangin tae his wife nithing mair nor less but Maria jumpit tae her tramplers an' put the haanies tae her hippies and she started ontae him.
“Whit are ye sayin, are ye hintin aboot the baskets again ye big fuckin useless bastard, wid ye be deekin for anither tankin!”
She pointed ower her shooder,
“Aa I need dee is shout for ma brithers and they'll come and kick the livin shite oot o' ye, is that fit yer wantin; wid that quatin ye doon again ye reed chackered bastard!”
Hector tried tae calm her doon for she wiz as moich as a loupin loochy ontae a hot stane. But na na she widnae stop giein him his character that low the very cats widnae lick his bleed. Seein he wisnae risin tae the bait she screamed,
“I dinna need ma brithers tae mowdie you I'm capable o' daein that ye big coordie usless cunt!”
So sayin she picked up the poker for the fire and mowdied him fair square ontae the test. Hector nae expectin it howled like a guffy an put his fammils tae his broo.
“God fuckin jumpin jeemity jeasus christ ye fuckin white livered bastard ye've caad the brains oot o' ma test!”
She raised it tae strike again but her mither intervened and teen the poker fae her fammil an' gaed her a backhaan wullt across the moiy.
The bleed wis fleein fae Hector's crump but the aal woman managed tae get it stoppit, she wis bonnie and glaid tae see it wiz jist the skin that wiz broken an' nae his brainbox exposed. Maria huddin her peelached moiy started accusin her mither o' takin up wi' Hector caain her a clatty owld blirt.
Hector deeked at her yaks and kent weel she wiz corrich and the words o' the Nyakins on the day he mairried her came back tae haunt him. He shuddered for she gaed him the creeps how could he ivver hae loved that baigle. Thankin Maria's mither for sortin his mowdied mallum he packed up his wee bit things and left nivver tae return. Maria’s mockin cacklin rang oot and follied him doon the road like a bell tolled for a funeral.
* * * *
Many many years later, some said fifty, Maria wis hawkin some keezers but the pickins were gie sma. It wiz a strange bit o' the country tae her nivver afore hid she ventured this far north and the hantle hereaboots were naen ower freendly tae a croochty owld Nyakin collich like hersel. In the distance she deekit a big mansion hoose through the trees and she manged tae her naggins,
“Well dilly yer chackers are startin tae haa there ainsel wi' the hunger I'll see if I can spraach a tightner fae the big keer!”
So Maria made her wye up the lang drive tae the mansion keezer, she bung roon the back like a leppichy tae the kitchen jigger an' gaed a loud chap.
There wiz a windae open and the smell o' habbin cookin gaed roon her hert like a hairy worm slaivers started fleein fae her moiy and she hid tae dicht her chin o' the juices.
The jigger opened and a goorie stood there bewigged and wearin a yella coat wi' knee length breeches silk stockins fae the knee doon and leather tychies wi' silver buckle on them.
“Yes madam what can I do for you?”
'Oh shannish shannish' she thocht tae hersel the goorie's mangin panloaf an' it wi' its fancy tuggery on its hump. This wiz the first time in aa her life that she'd ivver been caad 'Madam' she wiz mair used tae 'Ye tink hooer' or in some cases 'Fuck off ye cyaardy bastard' oh shannish shannish she didnae jan fit tae mang.
So Maria did a wee curtsy and said,
“I wiz winderin kind sir if ye've gotten a wee morsel for ma mooth for I've been on the lang weary road athoot a bite or a sup for days!”
Normally it wiz at this point ye could get chased for yer very life wi' the threats ringin at yer back aboot settin the jookles ontae ye so she wiz ready tae nash avree. But instead o' threatenin hell's jookles he calmly tellt her tae bide faar she wiz. She rubbed her fammils an' muttered,
“Bonnie an' fine!”
She'd visions o' the goorie bingin oot wi' a parcel o' habbin an' the grease drippin fae it, god jeasus she could taste it noo an' she lickit her lips reed raw wi' anticipation.
A few minutes later the goorie re-appeared an' said,
“Come inside madam his Lordship awaits.”
'Whit!' Thocht Maria. 'Whit's the corrich mangin?
She wiz that disappointed the chavie didnae hae a parcel for her, then here's the panny sayin that the Laird awaits!
She managed tae ganch oot some words.
“Na na laddie I'm nae deekin tae see ony toff goorie aa that I'm spraachin is a wee bit habbin for ma hungered moiy!”
The gadgie didnae ken a word that wiz said tae him but he got the drift o't wi' her tone and he reassured her that the Lord always met in person any itinerant tinsmiths that should call before he'd allow them to dine.
Trash kind but the hunger getting the better o' her she wint wi' the gaidie.
He lead her through the kitchen wi' aa the fine habbin set oot,she thocht on gobblin a spawll o' something on the wye past in case the goorie wiz makin a moicher oot o' her and wiz gan tae kick her oot o' anither door but she managed tae control it especially fin she deekit the soor faced mort standin pipin ivvery fit faa her bachled tychies made on the flooer.
The servant dillies were fair sweatin rinnin back an' forritt wi' trays laden wi' the finest deekin habbin she ivver did set a yak upon.
Up through the massive stairway he led her wi' flooers sparklin like glaiss, they were that bonnie she felt shan aboot walkin ontae them wi' her clatty tramples. The waas were hung wi' tapestries and great big ile paintins o' hantle wi' soor deekin chackers. Fin they reached the tap o' the stairs he led her alang a lobby that must've been haaf o' a league lang and dizzens o' big jiggers aff each side. Eventually he stopped at yin o' the doors bowed and swung it open for her,
“Would madam please enter!”
He gave anither wee bow and doused the jigger ahin her.
As she stepped intae the room her knees near buckled ablow her for it wis fulled wi' toff hantle sittin doon tae dine at a table that must've teen twentysiven trees tae mak. The cowie creaked aneth the weicht o' aa the habbin, there wiz whole guffies wi' aipples up their jeers, fish six fit lang an roasted pheasants wi' feathers still on them, morakins by the stane, there wiz whole kybochs o' kessom an' pruskies by the pun an' bottles an' bottles o' peeve, ma haan tae the heavens may God strick ma stone deed if I tell a hochy.
“ Oh me oh me!” she groaned. She nearly nashed avree and wid've done if the big toff goorie sittin at the tap o' the table hidnae stood up an' invited her tae sit doon. He snapped his fingers at anither chavie wearin the wig an' the yella coat the same as the ither yin an' ordered him tae lay a place for their visitor.
Soon space wiz made in amongst the toff collichs and Maria coochted hersel doon, the manishees sittin near tae her gasped as the toich rose fae her for she wiz hummin. Maria janned this an' felt affa shan because even though she wiz a clatty baigle she did hae a wee bit o' pride aboot her.
A plate o' habin wiz layed doon in front o' her that wid've choakit a guffy stone stiff starin deed. She deekit aboot her as the ither hantle used forks an' knives tae haa wi' there wiz a raa o' them in front o' her but she'd nae a clue tae fit cowies tae use. The only thing she'd ivver used tae pit habbin intae her moiy wiz a widden spoon an' that only if she got a bowlie o' soup or stew, onything else wiz haad wi' her fammils. That wiz the only clean thing aboot her fae the pints o' her fingers tae the second knuckle wiz sookit pure white the rest o' her wiz barkit o' dirt.
The collich sittin nearest her must've janned fit wiz wrang and pointed tae the fork an' knife she wiz meant tae use. Maria managed a “Thank you yer laddieship!”
The collich smiled an' some o' the ither hantle sniggered at this but she peyed nae heed tae them and started haain her habbin, she boagged hersel in the lip wi' the panny fork an' nearly let oot a string o' curses but thocht better o't. She wiz dyin tae get her fammils intae the habin but some o' the hantle wiz pipin her so she carried on wi' the fork an' knife. She made a slubberin sound as she haad for half her teeth were missin an' them that wiz left were nithing but blaik stumps so she rummled the meat aboot her moiy makin the maist affa sookin sounds. The goorie at the tap o' the table ordered a goblet of wine tae be brought tae her an' she drained it in twa swallies wipin her moiy wi' the back o' her fammil an' gaed it a shaak spirkin the toff collich aside her wi' grease, reed wine and mair than a drappy pure clatt The manishee gagged and tried tae wipe the worst o't aff but the black chattery that wiz part o' Maria widnae move, it wiz like ink. Reek fae a lifetime o' broom fires hid created the clatt and nae fancy hanky wiz gan tae taak that aff! Anither gobblet o' wine doon her thrapple an' Maria wiz aheedin whar she wiz. She wis baad aboot the collich's tuggery by the deeks o't it could weel afoord tae buy mair silks an' satins. She'd maybe mang the collich later for some owld tatts or ither feechles lyin aboot the place. Her thochts were interupted fin a voice said.
“Tell me madam whereabouts do you hail from?”
This wiz fae the goorie sittin at the heed o' the table so Maria wint intae the biggest doze o' prechums that she could mak up in the spurr o' the moment. She'd the hantle believin she wiz the deposed queen o' the Gypsys an' that her queendome hid been teen fae her by cruel Tinkers and that nae weeks afore she'd been the bonniest lassie that a man could set e'e upon, but she'd been cursed by the cruel cruel tinkers and this is how they left her tae wander as an owld croochty clatty hagg for as lang as water rins an' green grass growes. Some o' the collichs fair believed her an' were affa sympathetic some even askin if there wiz a counter curse.
Maria couldnae believe her luck so she tellt the hantle there wiz nae coonter spell or naen that she kent o' but that the spell hidnae worked as good as intended and she'd been left wi' the gift o' tellin fortunes.
Noo manishees baith rich or poor like their fortunes tellt so she deeked a wye o' makin some lowie tae hersel and so it proved.
The big Lord goorie helped her by suggesting she set up shop in one of the anti-rooms off the dinning area and the ladies who wanted their fortunes told should go in one at a time.
The room wiz set and Maria coochted hersel doon wafftin the clattiest toich fae her person that hung on the air like like a smelly mist, and for the next twa oors she'd a steady stream o' manishees bingin oot an' in each yin giein her a coin o' gold for accordin tae Maria that wiz much better than the silver coins asked for by normal fortune tellers for wiz she nae a queen in her ain right and hid the gift. One poor dilly hid tae be cairried oot fae the room because she fainted aifter she boaked her puddins up at the smell in the close confined wee room. A windae wiz opened an' some scent wiz scattered aboot tae freshin the room but Maria's scent wiz better than theirs so mair expensive chattery got squirted tae hide it. The collichs naen too pit oot at the poich parted wi' the gold as if they were sclate stanes this toff manishees were even mair gullible than the simple servant lassies she wiz used tae. Nae yin tae miss a heaven sent opportunity she milked it for aa it wiz worth and soon she'd a tidy pile o' coins, even one or twa o' the goories bung in an' sat wi' their moiys open listinin tae aa the jeer that they were tellt an' they parted wi' their loore even faster than the collichs. As aa this wiz gan on the Laird gadgie wiz in knotts at the green look ontae the manishee's chackers fin they come oot o' the room, the tears were blinin him.
Eventually though Maria came tae the end for there wiz naebody else tae drooker till so she sat coontin the pile o' lowie mutterin tae her naggins “Shanni shanni shanni shannish!!!” Her yakies were stairin at the gowd wi' pure greed burnin intae her very soul. She deeked up as the jigger o' the wee room opened and faa should come in but the big goorie fae the heed o' the table and sat himsel doon and smiled.
“Well madam have you had a good day?”
There wiz something affa familiar aboot that smile, she wracked her brains as tae faar she'd seen it afore but tae nae avail.
“Yes your lairdship!” Wiz aa she could manage for the goorie wiz deekin at her in a queer kind o' wye. “Oh shannish shannish” she thocht.
“ Maybe the goorie wants tae rootle ma!”
As this thocht crossed her mind she shrank back for she wiz getting trash noo so she deeked aboot for something at haan tae bleach the goorie if he put a fammil ontae her but nae a thing could she find.
She wiz trapped, this goorie's gan tae hae his wye wi' her. The only weapon she hid wiz her pile o' coins so she intended tae blin him wi' them and nash avree as quick as her owld trammplers could cairry her. But he nivver moved he jist keepit on smilin it wiz as if he kent fit wiz gan through her mind.
“Dae ye nae mind on ma Maria?”
Her yaks near popped oot o' her heed wi' the shock o' hearin the toff goorie mangin her name.
“How dae ye ken my name?”
She started howlin,
“Ahhh the goorie's intae the black airt he's in tow wi' owld nick himsel ahhh mee ahhh me, how else wid he jan ma name ahh god a jeasus!”
The hot pish an' jeer wiz fleein fae her as she emptied hersel there an' then.
He started laachin at this but it wiz a panny laach almost the kinks for he laached fae the back o' his thrapple, choich choich choich a gasp o' breath then choich choich choich again. Aifter a while he managed tae get himsel under some kind o' control and said,
“God bless us dilly ye surley jan ma, it is me Hector!”
Maria slid doon tae the flooer slidin intae her ain teemins an' manged, “No no no it canna be for my Hector's been deed this past fifty years or mair he wiz trailed awa tae sea by buccaneers an' wiz nivver seed upon this earth again!”
Surprisingly Maria broke intae floods o' tears an' she looked up at him wi' a pair o' yaks as reed as a coo's goosie an' sobbin fit tae braak her hert.
“Dinnae be sae cruel tae ma for I've punished masel enough for whit I did tae Hector!”
Runnles o' clean skin wiz left whar the saat tears hid run, she wis pitiful sicht as she sat coorien on the flooer her wee clatty clooties covered in jeer an' sloosh held ticht aboot hersel, she started chanterin tae hersel and rockin back an' forritt. She didnae see the love saafen the owld goories e'en.
“Maria it is me! Hector,!”
She set up wailin,
“Na na Hector's lang deed oh me oh me!”
“But it is me, deek this will prove it!”
He flipped the hair fae his broo and said,
“Dae ye mind fin ye mowdied ma on the test wi' the poker!”
Sure enough the livid scar wiz still there on his broo aifter aa the years gin by.
Later he tellt her the whole story o' fit hid happened an' how he'd been gobbled avree by buccaneers and hid sailed the siven seas chorin treasure fae the Spaniards. He'd come back tae Scotland an affa wealthy man and hid bocht the big hoose and the title tae go w't and noo aa he needed wiz a lady at his side, a lady o' the road, his ain lang lost Maria.
THE NASH AVREE.
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