The Postymortum. "Ae min?"

The Postymortum. “Ae min?”

Sandy Connach and his mate Goggs Blaad were vrochtin at the Hill o Turlundie aside the Cyack. At Turlundie there wiz fower council hooses biggit back in the fifties for fairm workers but noo wi changing needs as regards parkin motor cars they were cutting in wee hardstannin areas in front o each o the fower hoosies.

Fin they arrived there Sandy hid said tae Goggs “Goad min a richt fine jobbie tae keep us oot o langer!” Goggs hid nodded his heed at this but thocht tae himself ‘Na na Sandy this his got dam aa tae dee wi a fine wee jobbie!’ Goggs teen a quick look aroon him and as far as the yak could see there wiz trees. Noo fin Sandy saw trees he didna see them the same as the rest o us as big tall bonny things wyvin in the breeze. Na Sandy saw them cuttit doon and intae piles o bonny wee cloggies awytin his bogey for tae tak them hame tae Macduff. Now this story his got bugger all tae dee wi trees as I only mention them as tae show fit kind o a character oor Sandy is. Onywye on wi the story--.

Across fae faar the boys were vrochtin steed the cottar hoose o Turlundie. A richt set up placie it wiz wi a great big gairden surrounded wi drysteen waas aboot as heich as a man budy’s middle. The gairden wiz stappit foo o fit oor Sandy wid caa ‘goodies!’. At the richthaan side there wiz ten dreels o tatties gyan the full length o the yard and they were weel kypit up wi the taps o them wyvin in the breeze wi some even beginnin tae flooer. Sandy noo leanin ower the waa wi the usual rollup in his lip longed tae get a graip in among the buggers. Next tae the tatties there wiz twa neat plots, een wi ingins the ither wi carrots. Sandy wisna ower sure but some o the carrots lookit tae him as if they were beginnin tae shot an gyang tae seed? At the ither side o the yard wiz teen up wi raas o pey pods and they were hingin in bunches like pyokes o cuddy’s pizzles. Aside them but oot a bittie wiz a big plot o strawberries weel covered wi aal fishin nets tae keep the birdies oot fae them an the plants themsels keepit fae the grun by bonny yella strae that fair garred the bonny reed strawberries staan oot. At this point Sandy hid remove his rollup fae his mooth tae dicht awa the slaivers as he drooled at the sicht. There wiz sax things that maist fowk that kent Sandy loved. Tabbaca, drink, weemin, fechtin, trees and his collie dowg Paddy. But? There wiz twa ither things that maist fowk jist didna ken ava and that wiz his love o peypods and strawberries. He could ait puns o the buggers. Sandy pinged awa his noo slaiver soaked tabby and wint back across the road faar Goggs wiz howkin. As Sandy gid inaboot he said in a low voice tae Goggs that if the opportunity arose he wiz gan tae plunder the bliddy gairden. Goggs steed up at this sayin “Ye canna dee that min!” But Sandy wiz adamant. Goggs pyntid oot that he’d get the bliddy jile. Sandy tellt him he’d deen it plenty times in Macduff fin he wiz a loon. Goggs got torn in “Aye ye were a bairn then min, if ye gyang aboot deein things like at as a man ye’ll get the jile an then yer twintyfower different colours o the broon stuff kicked oot o ye by the police!” Ah but Sandy widna listen ava he wiz determined tae hae a plunder. At this Goggs lost the rag “Look Sandy if you gyang traipsin aboot the man’s yard chorin stuff wi size ten hobberts (tackety beets) on they winna hae far tae look tae find the culprit?” Then Goggs pyntid oot tae Sandy as if he wiz a gype that as he also wore size tens o hobberts he’d be in the drait ana and he’d also get twintyfower different colours o drait kicked oot o him wi size thirteens o hobberts attached tae the leg o a big reed faced Heilan bobby. Na na he jist wisna for that ava! Sandy still adamant tellt Goggs that if the bobbies came they’d ken it wiz him Sandy that wiz tae blame! Goggs couldna believe fit he wiz hearin “How in the name o Christ could they ken it wiz you min?” Then said “Baith o’s weer size ten hobberts so they’ll jist kick baith o’s tae hell and be deen w’t. Sandy eventually saw sense in fit Goggs wiz sayin an thocht better o gyan plunderin. Mind you that didna stop him fae gyan across the road noo-an-then lookin ower the dyke intae the yard. He’d staan there wi the slaivers fleein fae his mooth like a barley bull lookin at a park o heifers. At this times Goggs keepit a loochy’s yak ontae incase he loupit ower the dyke.

Ae day Sandy wiz haein a smoke leanin ower the dyke and droolin as usual at the peypods an strawberries fin a voice speired at him “Fit are you deein here? Ae min?” Sandy near loupit clear oot o his skin an shouted oot “Oo ya hooer!” Nearly swallyin his wee tabbie. An there it steed! Nae as heich as the dyke an as braid as it wiz lang weerin a pair o cut doon dungarees wi a flat cap straacht on its heed like a vision fae the nineteen twinties. The chackers ablow the cap wid pit a budy in mind o a futtritt lookin at a rubbit. Sandy recoverin a bittie by this time an spittin bits o tabbaca fae his gob managed a guilty “Nithing!” like a bairn bein caught wi an airmfae o aipples up a tree. The wee gadgie gid a haaf smile, well if ye could caa it a smile but it still lookit like a futtritt deekin a rubbit tae Sandy. The wee goorie said “That’s a guilty conscience there ae min?” Sandy managed a haafherted “Na na min nithing o the kind I wiz jist admirin a weel set up yard!” He felt like endin the sentence wi an “Ae min!” The aal lad ended ilka sentence wi an “Ae min?” an Sandy bein Sandy noticed this habit richt awa. He couldna wait tae tell Goggs but he’d nae tae wyte lang for Goggs came across the road tae see the ongyans. As ye mind Goggs wiz still keepin a loochy’s ee on Sandy incase he loupit the dyke an haived throwe the gairden wi his size ten hobberts crushin aathing aneth him.

Och in nae time they were aa newsin aboot this an that and Sandy keepit slippin in plenty “Ae mins?” for the benefit o Goggs. The aal lad didna seem tae notice this but Goggs did an it teen aa his self control nae tae burst oot laachin. Onywye they got on richt weel wi this aal lad getting a richt aalfarrent news wi him. That is aifter ye got eest tae hearin him in his droll wye endin ilka sentence wi “Ae min?” Of course Sandy got a hud o this an drivin hame that nicht Goggs mair than eence near put the van aff the road laachin at Sandy mockin the aal lad wi plenty”Ae mins?”

It wisna a big job so the boys were seen feenished up and on the last day aifter tidyin aathing awa an wi the van loaded they crossed the road for a last news wi the aal lad. He’d promised he’d gie them some peypods an strawberries afore they wun awa hame. Sandy even teen his flasksoot o his haiversaik ready for tae load up wi aa the promised ‘goodies’. Leanin ower the dyke the twa lads were newsin awa but the aal lad seemed gye distracted so they speired at him fit wiz wrang? It materialised he’d thocht his carrots hid shot an were gan tae seed Ae min? Onywye tae cut a lang story short Sandy tellt him he’d thocht the carrots were shot the first time he’d lookit intae the gairden. The result o this wiz a lot o “Ae mins?” then the aal lad heeded for the carrot bed an pu’d een oot. He came back tae the boys an laid the carrot on tap o the dyke sayin in a melancholy voice “I’ll dee een o yon postymortums things tae fin oot! Ae min?” So sayin he teen he teen fae his pooch a weel worn lamm’s fit k-nife an like a surgeon began his postymortum on the carrot as if a pathologist on tv. Sandy hid tae leave at this pynt crossin the the road tae wun intae the van an Goggs could hear the maist affa hissin soon comin fae the van. Aifter a fylie Sandy managed tae wun back kindo composed. Goggs could see tear stains hid runnled doon the cement styowe on his face wi laachin. The aal lad lookit up fae his postymortum on the carrot sayin “Gweed sakes the bugger is shot! Ae min?” Sandy pulled a mock concerned face an speird the aal lad if he’d given the carrot anesthetic afore the operation? Ae min? This wiz lost on the aal lad because he wiz that vrocht up but it wisna lost on Goggs so it wiz his turn tae bolt for the van and a kekklin soon could be heard as he wint intae the kinks o laachter.

Sandy by this time hid lost aa interest in carrots an cut tae the chase wi a subtle hint by layin his teem haiversaik on tap o the dyke an kindo mentioned the aal lad’s promise aboot peypods an strawberries. The aal lad still gye vrocht up aboot his carrots didna seem tae tak the subtle hint wi Sandy’s teem pyoke until Sandy reminded him ootricht aboot his promise. This teen the aal lad tae the fore an wi a “Michty aye loon jist gie me a minty an I’ll get them. Ae min?” Sandy fair trickit made sure there wisna ony cement styowe in his pyoke by turnin it upsidesdoon an duntin it on the heed o the dyke an steed there wytin for the loads o peypods an strawberries wi the slaivers fleein fae his mooth.Ae min? A minty or twa later the aal lad came back an laid the load o peypods an strawberries on tap o the dyke wi an “Ae min?” Sandy couldna believe his een. On the heed o the dyke lay one peypod an one strawberry. Sandy jist steed there wi his moo hingin open. Nae aften in life hid oor Sandy been stuck for words? This time though there wiz nae words, nae even a groan. He jst steed there lookin doon at the single peypod an the single strawberry then up at the aal lad’s face then back doon tae the heed o the dyke. The aal lad by this time seekin some kind o response like a show o gratitude for his selfless act o generosity jist watched Sandy wi a puzzled frown till something clicked in the aal lad’s heed “OH!” says he lookin ower at the van faar oot o sicht Goggs wiz still rollin aboot in the hysterics “Yer mate will be seekin some ana? Ae min?”

Aboot a fortnich later an affa come at set up. The police were at the gairden an the aal lad wiz in an affa state . Nearly aa the peys an strawberries hid been chored. Oh me there wiz even tears in his een. “Ae min?” Nae only hid he lost his peypods an strawberries but faaivver hid deen it steed ower the heeds o aa the carrots an hid systematically wint up an doon the dreels crushin ivvery single een o them wi the heel o his beet. Some tattie dreels hid been kickit tae buggery ana! The police couldna mak onything o it barr tell the aal lad that there’d been twa o them an they baith wore size tens o hobberts. Fin the police left een said tae the ither “Ken this min? If I got my haans on the lads that did this I’d tak them back tae the station an kick twintyfower different colours o drait fae them wi ma size thirteen an a haaf hobberts!” The ither bobby agreed sayin “Aye sae wid I. But ye do ken we’ll nivver fin oot faa did this? Ae min?” 


 

copyright © Patrick Hutchison

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