The Diary o' a Feel at the Skweel (The Coo's Goosie.)

 

 

The Coo's Goosie.

There wiz an affa excitement in the class as we got riggit for the big bus run. Michty me aa us geets were gan in meltdoon as the teacher made us tidy oor desks then gang tae the pegs tae get oor cwites on. My mither hid even allooed ma tae pit on ma brand new cwite for the day an tellt ma tae mine an nae leave it hingin on the pegs. I eyee mine it wiz kind o like a broon tweed wi a wee herrin bone pattern that reached tae ma knees. Cosy pie an affa smairt, ma heedy wiz fair rockin wi pride at thes coat.

We hid tae line up in the playgrun in gweed order tae wyte for the bus. I fichered makin sure ma cwite wiz hingin perfectly.

Spikk aboot pride afore a faa?

Onywye the bussie arrived an we boorded wi the teacher gettin us seated for the journey. She even smiled at me and that I can tell ye hid nivver happened afore. I wiz mair eest tae bulgin een an furraad broos fae her as she gave me a row for nae deein recht. But a smile nivver!

The bus journey wisna affa lang though only aboot three miles oot the road tae the big dairy up the Langmin hill aside Macduff. We were tae be given a guided toor o the dairy tae see foo they milkit the coos an pit the milk intae the bottles.

Noo thes wiz aboot 1960 so the plant must've been gye new an nae doot the fairmer hid been gye prood o't. Ye could fairly see that as he teen us throwe the dairy showin us foo thes or that wiz deen. The coos were aa bonny an clean as they steed in staas gettin milkit wi milkin machines. Then ontae the bit faar the milk ran ower grills tae be cooled doon. The grills lookit for aa the world like a bigger version o ma mither's washboord. Then ontae the bit I really wanted tae see. The bottle fillin machine. Mechty hit wiz a recht bit o kit. The bottles passed under the machine an came oot the ither eyne fulled an ready for cappin. A couple o deemies did thes wi a a thing like a bell an pressed doon pittin on the metal foil caps. I mine bein affa impressed wi thes an could've deen tae ficher wi een o them tae see foo it vrocht. Oh me I fairly enjoyed seein foo athing wiz deen an tae thes day fanivver I gang past that place I mind on it as if it wiz yestreen.

The ither bit wisna so gweed though.

Aifter we'd heen the toor the fairmer teen us back tae the place faar the coos were still gettin milkit. His wife hid a surprise for his an gave each o us a wee paper cup o icecream wi a timmer speen tae ait it wi. She tellt us it wis made fae the very milk fae the coos stannin ahin us. Oh mechty me ye couldna get better norr at!

The fairmer started tellin us stories aboot vrochtin among coos as we ait thes fine icecream. Oor teacher wiz spikkin awa tae the fairmer's wife wi a normal look on her face and even a ‘chortle chortle’noo an then. Nae the normal face I wiz eest tae wi the bulgin een an lowered angry broos. That wifie eyee wore a pearl necklace an that drew yer attention tae the slack skin aneath her chin an mechty me foo hit eest tae shoogle aboot fan she got angry at ye. My thochts were interupted wi some o the geets shoutin at ma "Sanners watch oot!" an lookin ahin ma pyntit at something. Noo onybody else wid've jist moved but nae me. Na na I hid tae look ahin ma jist in time tae watch a coo's ershole discharge abeen ma. The coos were up on a wee bank in the staas tae mak it easier for the fairmer tae attach the milkin machines tae the udders so as the coo emptied itsel gravity and height came intae play an covered me fae heed tae fit in teemins.

Till the day I dee I'll nivver forget lookin up as thes green goore fell ower ma. Ma mooth must've been open ana in a silent scream as thes warm goore poored ower ma an fulled it as weel as the wee tub o icecream. There wiz a babble o voices ahin ma as I boaked an plenty 'Gyaad sakes!' but I wiz mair concerned aboot ma new cwite so boakin ma guts up I tried tae scrape the coo's teemins aff o it wi ma haans. That's fan ma lippie really started tremmlin an if memory serves I think I started a low keenin soon fae deep doon in ma thrapple. The teacher gid gyte wi ma though for bein a bliddy feel staanin under a coo. Mechty me she wisna affa happy ava an seemed at a loss as fit tae dee wi ma. The fairmer's wife steed intae the breach though an made me wash oot ma moo wi a bottle o milk an spit athing oot. Then she got weet cloots an dichted as muckle o the teemins affa ma as she could. Aa the while the teacher wiz rantin at ma as I wiz whimperin aboot ma new cwite. Spikk aboot a 'lippy tremmlin' moment! Onywye athing eventually calmed doon. The fairmer's wife must've heen geets o her ain an wiz affa kind tae ma tellin ma that ma cwite wid easily wash an be as gweed as new. She gave me anither tub o icecream ana but it didna taste as gweed as the first een though.

On the wye back tae the skweel I wiz avoided by abody an must’ve heen ten seats atween me an the rest o the geets. I keepit ma heed doon because the teacher wiz glourin at ma aa the wye wi her usual bulgin een an the wattle aneath her chin fair shooglin wi supressed anger at ma. I’d be gettin ma tatties fae her eence back at the skweel I mine thinkin. But I got sent hame instead because I wiz bowfin.

On reflection I learned something valuable that day. Here's fit I learnt.

In Macduff if somebody hid a reed inflamed ee fowk wid say tae them "Michty ye've an ee on ye like a 'coo's goosie'. I eyee winnert fit a coo's goosie wiz? But that day I fun oot 'exactly' fit a coo's goosie wiz. I lookit up at een as it emptied itsel ower ma.

Ma mither got ma cwite as gweed as new an I wore it for ages efterhins but fyles on a warm day I wiz sure I could still smell the coo's teemins aff o't.

 

copyright © Patrick Hutchison